Star ashes

ok head up. wordy post and what goes through the head of an ano. ok GO









http://40-88.tumblr.com/

Pro-ano tumblr

prolly shouldn't be touching these websites. but i figure i'm pretty safe now right?

yeahhh i don't know

never been skinny to the bone

The reasons to NOT start again overwhelm the illogical thoughts so much

but the 'illogical thoughts' are tempting.

the main ones would be. AS IN LOGICAL

1. I do fucking NOT wanting to start seeing 3 bloody psychiatrists EVERY WEEK and being an abnormal freak show sitting in front of them.

Not that they are mean or anything. Stephanie is kinda nice..?
ITS JUST THAT IT IS JUST SO IRRITATING AND UGH.



2. I really really do not want to go back to the stage of having to consume charcoal again

that was just plain sick. and I've been told that pumping the stomach is veryvery torturous

Not that I'd try pills again since my parents have locked ALL my medicine in the safe and I have no access whatsoever. although


3. Resource. no bloody way ever. EVER again.

4. and purging is just sad. satisfying but sad

5. i hate to see my family's and friend's reaction. it's like not their fault but they take it on themselves nonononono. that is just. makes me hate myself more

6. obsessive thoughts non stop. ever.

calories,

recipes,

weight,

exercise regimes,

meal plan tomorrow,

how to avoid meals, ways to lie,

tactics/places to hide food,

screaming at every SCRAP of food that enters my mouth,

planning bathing times to purge,

how to pretend to be normal,

figuring out why i'm doing this,

thinking of how to lose at least 1 kg a day,

non-stop researching on caloric intake,

thinking of someone to talk to,

trying to not cry to sleep,

dragging up happy thoughts that don't last,

exercise,
exercise,
lying,
lying,
lying,

sick and tired of own attitude,

pissed at everyone for not understanding,

avoiding conversations and people,

sleeping,

get angry at myself for sleeping because all that wasted time might have been used for exercising.

worrying about butt getting fat or thighs.

blame,

guilt for eating because all efforts would have been gone,

testing temptation and losing,

self blame and hate, calories,

plan on how to lose all the 10 calories i gained for eating a sweet,

guilt for putting my parents through this and wasting their money,

waking in the middle of the night to binge,

start crying like a mad cow and running to the toilet,

cry to sleep again,

wake up feeling terrible and do 10 million push ups/ sit ups, go and jog 60000 rounds in the morning,

purposely waking up late for school to avoid eating breakkie,

lie about lunch dinner and anything else really

ok i'm tired
I just dragged all those from the top of my head of the torture my mind went through during that period. ask any ano, they'd agree.

there probably be more but i guess my point is made. of you read the whole list, RESPECT DUDE.



The list can't end. so one to the other side

1. Flat stomach. any other explanations

2. a freaking gap between my freaking thighs so leggings would look awesome

3. satisfaction

4. happiness? nah more like 5 second happiness

5. NO FREAKING PERIOD yes. that.

that's just it. the way a crazy brain works huh.


You're beautiful no matter what. kinda sick of that phrase really
and

we love you for who you are

size doesn't matter

you are already so skinny








K. most prolly you're wondering what brought all this on.

firstly, when exams came i became real stressed and started skipping dinner until recently. by throwing really big tantrums

then i weighed myself a month ago and 48++ kinda ok? but after that i started wanting a weighing machine

then i couldn't fit into my shorts which triggered my original diet

then i started eating a lot a lot. mostly cause ive been baking

then my face started to look real fat. like seriously.
grab a knife and carve out the sides fat

THEN. when i tell myself not to eat the stuff i bake, i still do. no control dudes. no control. gross

then i read a book Crash into me and they mentioned drinking charcoal which lead me to think

and then i saw VS angels and got sad

then went to google anorexia tumblr and here i am now.

boo freaking hoo.

and i'm craving macaroons even though im full cause i ate an actual dinner. fucking hell.



haish. bye. these are the kinds of rants that keep my afloat. then i go look at my list
i have a full complete one somewhere and i'd dig it out and read it and convince myself its better off like that.

yay so thanks for reading good night babies. CANT WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS.

oh last reason why i should not start again

7. it's better to be with my retarded friends than sitting and home, being lonely and scheming

OHOHOH

8. and it's better to eat/watch tv and read ^^

OH AND THAT TAIWAN FOOD IS DAMN FREAKING DELICIOUSLY BRILLIANT. LOVE FOREVER.