clockwork.

im going to see the psych on sat. the world is going to freak out
i dont know if im happy or pissed. a bit of both actually
but i didnt protest. because i know i need it
but i dont want it either. now i'll never be my fucking goal weight ever.

chills

cant help it. its like two people living in my head.

when i look into the mirror, its like double vision - i can see both bones and fat.

 when i eat, i see both essential nutrition and unnecessary numbers.

when i step on the scale, its screams both "FAILURE" and "YOU'RE TOO FUCKING SKINNY"

when i binge, half my thoughts are saying
"this is doing you good"
another half saying
"you're going to pay for this"

when i go to sleep, then everything become quiet.

you say i have everything. yes i do.

 too much of everything.

 its a never ending battle

how can anyone be skinny and fat at the same time?
through my eyes, its possible.

lets exchange lives, shall we?

stay strong

thank you for reading <3 don't keep running ok? you're going to die if this continues. keep going and don't give up you can make it. thanks for everything btw <3 it helps so so much. don't be angry with your parents also, they are just really worried for you. can you imagine if your child was exactly like you? won't you be at a loss too? dont let ed take over your life.
FIGHT IT. you can do it i believe in you. and so do the rest. we will be with you whenever you need. don't worry. better things have yet to come and there is a lot lot LOT more to life

PLEASE

please please please make everything go away please PLEASE
my head is killing me. 43.7
ate so much
i cant believe im admitting this but

i need help. please please help me. i need help
i want to weigh 40kg but i cant pleas i cant do this anymore
i cant please please just stop everything


i hit 42.2 this morning and i freaked out
ate so much
4 packs of oreo, 2 hokkaido biscuits, ben and jerry ice cream, 4 apples, 1 slice of bread
so now im 43.7
i cant take this anymore

please guys pleasepleaseplease help me.
something. please please i cant take this anymore.

please please just kill me
i cant. too much guilt and i cant go to the toilet
im sick of this. all of it. please. helphelp i cant. please


please please PLEASE i cant continue this way. you dont know how much it takes just to admit you need help. but i dont want it also.

just kill me.

so bloody close and i had to go ruin it. please please help me i cant take the voices anymore its killing me. everyday i hate it i want my life back

pleasepleaseplease
let it end

fallout

start to keep fit ok?

she tells the runner whose world start spinning as soon as she stands up.

its all too easy to push people away.

i know all the tricks of the trade. care to learn?

pirouette

I think now, i have disordered eating more than an eating disorder
i mean

1. i don't feel guilty when i stick to my safe foods
2. im eating 900-1000 calories a day hello
3. i don't kill myself if i gained 0.1kg out of nowhere

look at this.

Anorexia nervosa is characterized by:

• Emaciation (nope)
• A relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight
• Intense fear of gaining weight (well. not intense)
• Distorted body image, a self-esteem that is heavily influenced by perceptions of body weight and shape, or a denial of the seriousness of low body weight
• Lack of menstruation among girls and women
• Extremely restricted eating.  (not extremely. just a tad)

Disordered eating is characterized by a wide range of unhealthy eating behaviors and weight loss methods such as chronic restrained eating, compulsive eating, and habitual dieting. It may also include irregular eating patterns, avoidance of certain foods or food groups, and the denial of physical hunger and satiety, usually for the sake of losing weight. Disordered eating may begin as an effort to drop a few pounds or get in better shape, but the behaviors can become obsessive. Some disordered eating patterns can include symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia nervosa.

Disordered eating is you dont eat what you need, and have and unbalanced diet.
Anorexia means you pretty much don't eat at all.

you see?

but on the other hand

ana behaviors

1. compulsive weighing
2. fear of gaining weight (BUT NOT EXTREME FEAR)
3. not eating high caloric foods i make for others

does eating the same food fall under disordered eating or ed?

i'm doubting because

1. i dont have the compulsion to exercise

2. i don't eat that little/ not at all A FREAKING 1000CALS MY DEARS.
3. and im not hungry. 

dr lee would probably say im in denial

but i dont think i am

i lost 6kg over 3 months?

thats not a lot

in fact, its so freaking gradual

honestly, im not in a rush to lose weight

i dont mind doing it slowly

because i dont want a repeat of last time. 6kg in 2 weeks dont know how the hell that happened

so no. i dont think im anorexic. more of crazy disordered eating. and thinking

do you think im in denial too?

but i really dont exercise AT ALL. like a fucking lazy pig.

Shout her lovely name

hello; i've been watching documentaries.
weight-related stuff. esp supersize vs superskinny

not pro ana of course. im not that stupid.
anyway. its interesting. realised that i retained a lot of my old habits:

eating with a teaspoon
not trusting people with the preparation of my food
baking high caloric stuff and not eating it
weighing my food
chewing a lot
taking really small bites
eating super slowly
constantly counting
getting addicted to watching people eat.

yeah. i know the last one is freaky. there's a logic behind that though
but it is so so selfish

also. i can feel my hipbones. but i cant see them
and i can finally feel my shoulder blades
oh and. there's a slightly wider gap between my thighs (:

but my stomach is not flat yet. still really really flabby and fat
and ribcage. not obvious.

i know. its disgusting
but i like to see the bones
it is so wrong. but i do.
im sorry its crazy

been feeling weak lately. all i want to do is sleep
the last time i weighed, i'm still at 43kg.

today i didn't eat lunch. as in not my usual time

i was honestly this close () to collapsing. and really cranky as well
the whole world kept swaying

then i asked my mum for lunch (we were out at vivo)
so we ate at some jap restaurant
then i ate a vanilla gelato

didn't regret it, it tasted really nice

but i dont want to continue this way

back to my routine tmr.

i know its wrong to keep eating processed food
its not as healthy as home cooked ones
but. they have caloric values. its more satisfying.

but at the same time. im scared to drop below 42.3 my admission weight
i think that's why i keep bouncing back up


and. i also need reassuring,
how many calories does a 5'5, 94.7lbs 16 year old girl need a day to lose 0.5kg a week?
1040.

how many calories is the healthy for teenagers?
2000 - 2500

im at 1025 already. because if the ice cream
who knows. i think its time to skip dinner.

ate 857 yesterday

ok bye. tuition time.
dont freak out over the crazy rant guys.

sickly sweet

 hate chocolate now. i really really do.

today wasn't a good day
it was track farewell and i couldn't stop eating
not at all

just kept going and going
sausage pasta WITH OIL. i ate about 7 plates. honest to god i'm not exaggerating
then ate a hell lot of chips. really. demolished the whole plate
2 brownies
2 cupcakes
1 slice of chocolate fudge cake. felt so sick.
more seaweed chips later
then i went off to the canteen

bought butter-sugar bread and 2 packs of biscuits and drinks and ate everything in 15 minutes

came back and ate another brownie
another cupcake
more chips

i was so so so full
but  couldn't stop. i really really couldn't

then i ate 4 animal biscuits and i came home

damn fucking disgusted with myself

so the big question

did i purge in school?
of course not.

its the new school i'm not going to be the one stinking/ clogging it up

but it was so so so so disgusting

waipan asked me twice why i was eating so much

yiyi asked me 3 times why i was still eating

shame. i cant control it.
and its so obvious.
thats why  dont like going out
i like routine.

breakfast: 60g of special k 9 (220cals), 140ml of strawberry milk(100cals) 
lunch: kimchi ramen (260) with egg white (17) and carrot (24cals)/tofu (33cals)
dinner: 1 apple (70cals) and 1 orange (80cals)/ steamed veggies (200cals)


i should have brought along 4 apples for lunch
but i forgot and was so fucking hungry
so i binged. so much.
and my mum wasn't there to stop me

if you are blaming yourself for not stopping me, don't. would you have known what a binge looks like?
of course not. i usually do it in secret anyway

but i weighed myself
43kg. so im fine. for now. was expecting like, 46kg or 44 something.
back to the same tomorrow
and im going for a morning jog

it was the first bag of chips in a year
first servingS of meat in 3 months
first servingS of pasta in 2 months
and first chocolate cake in 2 years.

binge foods:
bread
meiji biscuits
digestive cookies
hello panda
ice cream
fruit loops

and now:

chocolate

im staying away from all those. too triggering.

Open your eyes

hello. i haven't been on here for a long time
actually. it feels weird to blog so much. because i dont know who the hell is reading this
and if i scream for help on here, it will never happen irl. because
it would only hurt people

my mummy knows though. i can see it in her eyes. she damn fucking sad

i hate myself for that i know i shouldnt be doing this.
they have hid the weighing scale. i want to tear my skin off.

I NEED TO EAT MORE.
but i can't bring myself to

i'm starting to hate cooking. because i know i cant eat the food
i want to
but i cant
i really really cant
im starting to dislike baking also THIS IS BAD,

because every time i bake its just.

fatsfatsfatsfats. then i cant eat it.
i really really want to.
but i cant
just thinking of it makes me so full.

i cant believe im admitting this. its taken so long for me to finally admit it.
im baking for myself

disordered thinking. so disordered.
when i see people on the street
im judging them

i feel so sick and disgusted so self centered.
so conflicting
its like 2 people in my head

im getting headaches recently. mild ones. but they're building up
it starting to spin also. everything is blurred. especially all the lines i shouldnt have crossed.

i hate my mind. i hate my world.
so i seek refuge on tumblr
so much more reassuring
so much worse.
but i dont know.

how can be worthy to help others when im such a hypocritical bitch.

would you care to know more?
you might
but when you ask me about it
talk about it
i  will run away. i dont deal well.
i cant verbally admit that i want help

its so confusing. everything is so fucked up
every morning i hate to wake up
its too much.

but hey. at least im eating ok.
1000 a day.

Loving hate

not a food rant. for once haha

so ANYWAY. went to AC to experience their training cause i'm thinking of DSA-ing. maybe.

on.. thursday? we went there and did some slack swimming.
about less than 20laps altogether? and flippers are damn fun :D

then today morning, went over to MacRitchie
started at 8 ish cause it was raining
then 15min warm up
stretch

AND FREAKING 7K.
exactly like pre-comp training

Bei and I were totally dead after that

we did the Northern route, not our usual in-out thingy

we thought it'd be easier

FUNNY.

don't even know why the hell we thought that way!!
for one, there were about 6 killer slopes there and back
but not as vertical as the usual one. BUT STILL.

then it was really wet cause it rained

and because we didn't know the route right, so we thought it was going to end.
about 100 times
but no 0.0

nearly gave up so many times, i wanted to walk up all the slopes
im serious.

but then like, wts, if i wanna train i gotta do this properly
so just jog slowly up the freaking hill/slope/mountain

i tell you. can die

Bei vomited on the way back and she nearly blacked out
she say she never push so hard for ANY training EVER.

we thought Ms Lim's trainings were crazy
but I'd do her training any day now. its waywayway better im serious.

i was 41.something and Bei was 44.something
which is quite good ok!
for a couple of people who haqve been slacking their asses off XD

thennn did core training. i'm fine with it actually but Bei hates it.
and actually, that one training is equivalent to 2 of our training.

but they were all "this training was ok"

then 2 of us were there like omg. dead.

going to burn out even before comp gosh.
so anyway, Bei's having second thoughts now. and so am I but it was never my full intention anyway

tuesday it's endurance run and core, thursday is stairs and sat again
can't go for thursday's one
and sat is going to be killer

might skip haha.

oh well.

i get triggered. by i have no idea what
then i eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
then i get upset from eating so much.
and i do not want to shred my throat or body anymore
so i get really really upset
then i eat and eat
then i get more upset
and i eat more. wanna know what i ate in an hour?

ramen 260
egg white 20
1 huge plain bun 150
4 slices of white bread 400
1 kaya bun 213
hello panda 90
5 digestive biscuits 324
1 char siew pao ???
1 rou pao ???
34 grapes 113
1 apple 73


that's my spiral. right there
i was 42.9 this morning
im 44.4 now
can.t even.

now i want to eat more
just cause i feel terrible.
my stomach feels like it is going to fucking explode im serious. have you ever felt so full before?
i cant even walk without being in pain its that painful

1.5kg

i hate me

kill them.

ate breakfast properly.
milk & cereal 400+
3 buns 210

Another day

hello. prepare for another rant

today, i ate more than i should

because. at 9ish when i stood up to get water
i could not see. again
or balance.
stood at the counter place for like, 30 seconds

part of me was happy
another part was freaked

so i decided to not count.
think i may have hit 2000 haiz.

anyway. knew i was going to lose control
so by 1 pm
i had drank 2 litres of water.

then lunch. i ate my ah gong's food.
cant count.

then i weighed.
45.1

i knew. i knew that its not accurate.
hello. 2l of water is 2kg plus
and lunch??

but i couldn't stop it. resist the urge.

so dinner was cabbage and carrots.

then my mummy went out
i was downstairs. alone

what did i do?
i ate
meiji biscuits
2 butter buns
a hell lot of grapes

of course i wanted to keep going
but i didn't counted hypothetical calories.
made up huge figures

then i downed another litre of water
in 15 minutes

damn full now
but its the good full
at least i cant binge or whatever shit

but anyway
just ate more than i should.

still 43.2 concurrently
i dont want to drop any lower
but i also do.

this is my admission weight
im freaked
but im also happy

this is too wrong.
im eating. dont berate me
im trying my best

i nearly ate ice cream today
but the uncle said he didn't have
at amk hub.
as in TOTALLY no flavours. i have no idea why

but yeah. just updating my pathetically self centered life which revolves around food

tomorrow morning
before breakfast
if im 43.0-43.2
i will eat proper lunch.
as in ramen. the whole packet. with egg white and carrots

if not.
half a pack of ramen with egg white.
then dinner is usual. and i will measure out breakkie.

i havent measured breakfast for 2 days now.
it was good (:

bones and thrones

forget it
water can weigh 2kg.

go away

i hate it when people confess. its not right
i cant even. no
sick. who in their right minds

fucking agitated now
i cant. just
no
i want to go jump off a building

no not because of a confession or any shit
im just sick
of myself.
of the world

of the weight of failure.
agitation
i want to kill something
anything
just something

no. tired. dont want to keep going
thats it im thrashing my phone today cant take it

sick. veryvery disgusting
its repulsive. everything.

i dont even feel like eating or cutting or sleeping or anything
its different.
i want to escape my head

get rid of everything

but i cant
its going around and around. fucking thoughts.
i cant take it

terrible.
im just counting like mad now.  promised myself i wouldnt
then he came, asking for 5 minutes of my time

nononononononno. that is. omg i can no.
no. everything has double meanings even my own words i can see it so clearly
is so disgusting. and this is not even the worse

no wonder they cant live with themselves after that no wonder i understand now
im the minority and its already tearing me apart.

all the same they are all the same

hopelesshopesless they didnt know i didnt know. no one to blame. fault.
no. dont know didn;t know
not their fault at all

willing. cant blame. stop it.
own will. wasn't them. no. believe me. really really

lies all lies. same. no difference. fault. own fault.
honestly. no one

could have said no. walked away
run away

but i didnt. no. i didnt know. horrible

curiosity killed the cat
it killed.

no. stop.

stopstopstopstopstopstop. stop thinking
hold on

okok. wait. wait.

im counting, it calms me down
wait a while. wait.waitwait. i need to calm down. wait.





do you understand my mood now?
no i dont think you do actually.
its my personal hell. no one is welcomed into it.
actually i told 2 people before. dont ask me to tell you
dont ask me to tell you who they are

dont ask dont please dont i just need to spit this out


they are not my psychs. not even my psychs.
dont ask questions please.

double meanings everywhere sick disgusting. fucking hell

i ant take anymore judgement. no more

no.
im never doing this again

never ever ever never go. away.
id rather die alone.
really im am never

cant

440 special k
138 milk
109 bee hoon
17 egg white
20 carrots
5 dried scallops.

729
729729729729729729729729

that fine
finefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefinefine.

may do 62 for dinner

doubledouble. meanings. sick. i hate the number 69
hatehate no.

i dont know
dont ask

cant breathe. dont want to think
no cant.
im going tumblr

cant take this anymore byebyebyebye

not alive

I can't sleep. i;m tired but i can't sleep

and i realised something major yesterday
i like blood
as in really.
more than fire

is that crazy?
maybe.but i honestly do

sometimes. i think that i think too much. too much of everything.
then i get so tired. i just lose control. stop fighting stop everything really
i'm tired now. mentally, physically, spiritually
most of the days i cant bear to look in the mirror. or think of ways to do everything
just want to lie in bed and forget about the world. that would be amazing.

what would it be like to sleep forever? what would you attempt if you know you could not fail
easy

sometimes im scared to die.
i dont know how hell would be like.
seriously, i get freaked out about being burned for eternity

sometimes i dont give a damn anymore

i really dont have a reason to be doing this you know
of all the best people in the world,  bring this upon my family
what did they do to deserve this?

they dont have to deal with this. they dont have to deal with me
but they do
but its all my fault
but they suffer for it. my family and friends.

its not fair. not reasonable.
nothing ever triggered me to start.
well the second time maybe.

but the first cut, the first diet
it was my own motivation or whatever you're gonna call it
nothingnothingnothing

why did it even

the second time around.
it was also my fault for  giving in\
for being too easy
for everything

i need to sleep
my thoughts are killing me

everyone else in the world has it so much worse
self centered. who does this.
terrible horrible

so damn fucking repulsive

the thoughts keep spinning in my head
overandoverandover

its the same. same thoughts when im purging i cant take it.
i need a cleaver to carve those thoughts out
and burn them
so sanitize them first before burning
then id fall asleep forever and always
for eternity

never dating again in my life.
going to marry a cat

whore

attention seeking.

i know thats what you think im doing

you never say it but i can see it in your eyes.

silently
judging my behaviors.

getting tired of my actions

sick of my refusal to even TRY to recover

all of you. its damn pretty obvious. you dont have to hide it anymore

but to the hell with you. its my blog and i will write whatever shit i want to.

44kg

was doing fine. ate ice cream and yami for lunch
then i couldnt take it

came home and ate

hello panda
meiji
2 ice cream cones
1 bread
1 subway cookie

in 3 minutes. just demolished the whole stack

then i went to bathe

but i kept it down
it took so much not to take everything back out
but i did it.
so im still 44kg

if i took it out i might have been 43.8 or even .7
but i kept it down

am i proud of myself?
no not really

am i guilty and fucking full
of course.

1300. dont even want to count yesterday's depressing as hell

300 over. 300. that is one full fucking meal.
should have drank water what am i thinking

not eating dinner again today
didnt eat yesterday as well
because i binged like shit.

tomorrow MEAL PLAN

no biscuits.
no biscuitsnobiscuitsnobiscuits

carbs will be the death of me

just cereal, milk, fruits

sound good?
yes.

and im going to walk to school.
that going to be my slack exercise.

the highest i can go now is 44
i want to go lower but im scared
too close to admission weight

but i dont want to gain
and maintaining is scary also

i dont know what i want
i just want to be skinnier
thinner
prettier
im so hungry sometimes.
but i cant control it so well anymore.
i feel like throwing all the food in my house away

okokokokokokokokok i know

when i feel like eating extra shit
im going to go on tumblr. ok good

of course i have a tumblr where do you think i get the pics from

and hell no im not telling anyone. its and B&W one anyway with some colour.

sometimes, the reblogs are:

there you go. of course there are more. lets just say

i have become immune to scars.

im really really really thirsty now
but i cant drink water
too full
way too full

cant complain. although i am

i brought this on my fucking self

cant complain. listen. silent
no one
hush.

thats why i go to tumblr.
where else

its really comforting
but so triggering

throttle

i remember why i dont snack

cause it always ends up in a binge

5 buns

1 pack of oreos

2 pack of meiji biscuits

3 strawberry and cream cookies

1 box of raisins

and this was after lunch

disgustingdisgusting

absolutely horrible.

not even bothering to count.

been 43.8 for the past 2 days

havent exercised for almost 2 weeks

what kind of shit life. and thoughts.

everything needs to end.

im so tired of trying. fighting

living

i want to sleep and never wake up

prettyprettyplease.

what would you do if you knew you could never fail?

Whimsical fantasies.

Crazy people like cats

someone told me that once.

but i want to be a cat.

i'd love to be one.