Stop and stare

I hate myself. so so much

as of now
im just wasting my time feeding ed
with all the food videos.

yes i know what im doing

going to baking school
wanting to go to baking school

is that me or ed?

i want to go there as a motivation to recover.
but if it's ed, then she wouldn't want me there right?
cause that would really mean that i gotta eat

get rid of her once and for all

and there is this though stuck in my head
that because i'm going baking school

im safe

i dont have to study so fucking hard

what absolute rubbish

i have just wasted 2 weeks of my study opportunities

because im a failure
and im scared of challenges
facing up to stress.

returning to reality

ok i promise.
i will study tomorrow

finish my bloody chemistry notes

start on F&N again

i will do it

but honestly

if i don't bake for a living

i dont know what to do with my life

and also

i realised why i can't eat to food i make

i can only taste it at the most

because it's not meant for me.
it feels wrong for me to eat what i make you know?
very selfish and undeserving

not in the "ohhh i'm not worth it. everyone now tell me im wrong cause i'm just fishing for compliments here"

as in truthfully.

my own efforts seem too much for me.

like, nice stuff are only for others.

as in i can have it too
just not my own

i dont know
when i take a full portion of what i make, i feel guilty as hell

is that me or the ed?

but even when i recovered and ate what i made. as in a full portion
it felt wrong

maybe that will stay with me forever
'
on the bright side, i will be able to sell things :D

ok time to sleep.
another day tomorrow.

not looking forward

even now i just want to disappear into nothing.

Dystopia

The Hunger Games (Trilogy) - Suzanne Collins
Across the universe (Trilogy) - Beth Revis
Divergent (Trilogy) - Veronica Roth
Chrysalids - John Wyndham
Animal Farm - George Orwell


GODDESS TEST (TRILOGY)
Genesis - Bernard Beckett
The Collector - Victoria Scott
Awaken - Katie Kacvinsky
Glitch - Heather Anastasiu
Solstice - P.J. Hoover
Blindness - Jose Saramago
Matched (Trilogy) - Allie Collins
Unwind (Trilogy) - Neal Shusterman  
Shatter me (Trilogy) - Tahereh Mafi
Delirium (Trilogy) - Lauren Oliver
Uglies (Series) - Scott Westerfield
1984 - George Orwell
Exodus - Julia Bertagna
Under the never sky - Veronica Rossi
Inside out - Maria V. Synder


UPCOMING in 2013
Shades of Earth - Across the universe #3
Divergent #3
Boundless - unearthly #3
Heroes of the Olympus #4
My name is Rapunzel - K.C. Hilton
Pivot Point - Kasie West

QUIRKS

These are the stuff I believe in:

Being cold means losing more calories. (it takes energy for the body to warm up)


burn more calories sitting up straight


calories get burnt when you drink ice water

sleeping helps burn calories


eating with a teaspoon helps you eat lesser and slower so you have more time to be full. and the food seems more


cutting food up into many pieces increases their quantity. you can eat more but less


chewing a lot of times deceives you into thinking that you're eating enough


drinking water keeps you full. and the hunger pangs away


Big breakfast, small lunch, insignificant dinner




Let me tell you about today


so i woke up at 5.20am and weighed
40.6kg


i was like. meh. hoping for lower


then i realised it was raining, so i couldn't run today morning


was kinda happy cause i didn't want to do 12 rounds.


but then was sad. cause there goes my yogurt


went back to sleep


woke up at 6.10 am


breakfast: 59g special K + 140ml of milk


school.


it was cold.


then at 10 am my stomach started rumbling.


but i didn't want to eat because i didn't run today


but i had apples


ate 1 slice


at 10.40, ate another slice


at 1, i was hungry again. like, hungry until i want to puke


ate another slice.


5 slices left.


that was my lunch


but i was dying. from stress and hunger


sliced the apples up


1 slice gave me 16 pieces


there was so many!
happy and freaked out


ate about 3 and a half slices
became really full


then i threw everything away


drank 3l of water today


threw my dinner away


today was really really cold


i was freezing in class until i couldn't take it


then Lecia said "you're too skinny"


I wore my jacket. still really cold


then it stopped raining and stuff. got a tad warmer.


warmed up even more under the shower


when i stepped out, it was cold again.


tuition was freezing. i'm still cold now.


i hope my weight goes down tomorrow.


ate.. 400 calories today? or maybe 410


i hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, because i want to eat


but i also hopes it rain tomorrow
i dont want to run.