its disgusting. everything. i'm tired of being tired.
its madness. i wanted help, now, not at all. warped abyss.
seems nice. to talk myself into oblivion. but my temper's getting shorter
its also a powerful notion. but i can't fit into it.
its terrible.
lets get this straight.
i know im skinny.
i just want to be able to feel skinny.
do you know how it is like to feel fat 24/7?
not everyone does.
you look into the mirror, all you see
is rolls and rolls of fat
mountains of blubber.
meanwhile you thrive on seeing your collar bone, your hipbones. the outline of your ribs.
you have split your body into segments.
so everyday. every single day when you look into the mirror, it's like seeing yourself through a microscope.
dissection and segmentation of body parts.
you have failed to see yourself as a whole. because it's your feelings that control you.
other people tell you, 'you look like a skeleton'
'why do you want to be so skinny? its ugly.'
'stop it, you are making people sad. and worried'
but they don't get it.
they dont get that you aren't doing this to be SKINNY.
you just want to be able to DO something.
they dont get that you can no longer see the full picture.
because all you see
is rolls and rolls of fats
mountains of blubber
when all it actually is,
is just skin.
skin and bones.
but you cant see that.
the bones you have wanted to see have become a blind spot for you
it will never be enough.
and every food you eat
is a guilty pleasure.
that lasts for 3 seconds. before it turns on you as regret
in full force.
you also thrive on watching people eat
eat without constraint, without second thoughts.
you get a myriad of feelings.
happiness for eating lesser calories than them
guilt for feeling that way, for being so diabolical
envy for not being able to eat like others
accomplishment for having attained self control
doubt for depriving yourself
hate towards yourself. for acting so disgustingly
all these. coupled with the raging war in your head.
you'd explode.
then you'd be shocked into numbness.
you can no longer feel anything
you hate to think. because it just leads you to the darkest recesses of your mind
you avoid everyone. because you can't stand their presence
you think that they are all out to get you
you think that they wont be able to understand.
you are afraid of what they think of you. of all the judgements they are passing
selfish incoherent bitch. they are all thinking
self pitying, attention seeking whore. they'd whisper
it's fine, they would say. get well soon
but all the while you know why they are acting this way. because
how can we help someone who doesn't want to be helped?
but its not true. they genuinely want to help you
but in your eyes, everything has been warped beyond believe.
an extra slice of apple from the usual
an extra piece of lettuce means
they are trying to fatten me.
they get tired of your assumptions. of you obesssive behaviour.
they give up. they leave.
reluctantly and slowly, they leave.
you have finally succeeded
but is that enough?
of course not.
nothing will ever be enough
because you will always feel fat
because ultimately, all you will ever see
is rolls and rolls of fat
mountains of blubber
the only big picture you can see
is one of failure. of disappointment
regret and hurt
you desperately need help
desperately want to find help.
but you don't dare.
you like your world.
it's safe
it's secure
it's familiar
it's home.
when you accept get help
you know what it would mean
you will have to face your deepest fears
you will have to confront your friends and family
explaining, forgiving, understanding, listening.
and worst of all, telling.
but all the while. there will be a nagging thought in the back of your head
you have failed. you have asked for help
and you will forever see
you body as segments. never as a whole.
what you dont know is.
how it would feel like to be free again
to eat without thinking
to have friends.
to socialise
how it is like, to live as you once did.
because that is what you have always wanted isn't it
when i'm in control, everything is perfect.
i will be happy
after a while
you realise: thats not true
but you have fallen to deep
too fast
too long
you can't make it out
you'd blame yourself for digging your own grave
what you cant see
is people stretching their hands in
trying to pull you out.
because you see them as a foil to your plans.
all they are trying to do is to push you deeper
this war in your head.
will rage on. until the moment you collapse.
this war. turns you against your closest friends and family
it turns to against yourself
and it will stay for a life time
because all you will ever see
is rolls and rolls of fat
mountains of blubber.
welcome to the mind of an anorexic.
you see guys. thats why i dont like going out anymore. or replying messages
im just so tired. mentally. and physically.
try battling your thoughts everyday. if you dont give up and become 'normal' again, you have my respect forever.
lets play the confession game. cryptic.
1. I need control
2. bread is the easiest. most filling
3. fried chicken is the hardest.
4. It's tiring to exercise
5. I hate to play hide and seek
6. it is never a good sign when i can remember my dreams vividly
7. water can weigh up to 0.5 kg
8. undigested food can weigh up to 2 kg
9. fuzz.but im not cold. not yet.
10. addictions are impossible to break
11. i'm becoming anti-social again.
12. i feel like throwing my phone away and staying on tumblr forever
13. i want to sleep
