i feel fat again. stop touching you fucking thighs.  looking for weight management shit. promised not to be ana again, doing this the 'proper' way. maybe they will tell me to piss off and that im not fat. maybe im seeking validation. i dont know. but i want to be skinny
skinnyskinnyskinny. like hyuna. she's so pretty. maybe i should exercise. but im lazy to run. dance maybe. maybe sign up for dance class. or not.
skinnyskinnyskinny. why cant i be skinny

Sticks and stones

Internet is hard to get around here
and I want more cats

to cuddle with

anyway. it's personal but I;m putting this here cause
1. who reads it?!?!
2. need to record in a place where people dk
3. to tell psych when I get back

anyway.
had a mental(?) breakdown yesterday

basically, my siblings bombarded me with hate then I started screaming

"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT"

for 15 min+?

Really banshee screaming in a caravan
It was like an explosion of emotions

after that I just sat there and cried.
they told me the way I cried was like the whole family died.
like something absolutely terrible happened.

also. I wanted to go to their faces and just scream until my throat was bleeding (my siblings i mean)
then i really really wanted to kill them

the scenarios were very vivid

i wanted to take a knife and run it through their stomachs then mash them both up into paste and put the paste in a wooden slate/board/plate and give it to people to eat

then I would tell them it's raw tuna

I honestly don't know where the hell all that came from
but it was seriously just an explosion.

then my father. wait. everyone was very freaked by everything
so my father wanted to stop

but we were near the sea. so another scenario that ran through my mind

I would strip to my undergarments and run into the sea and swim as far as I can until no one can see me
then I'll freeze (it's cold here for summer), get hypothermia and die

another scenario was to ram my head into the floor until everything exploded

another was to scream everything revolving in my head then go sleep and wake up and pretend to forget so it'd be easier for anyone

but it was too much so i fell asleep. as i always do after a freak out session

then i woke up and everybody

wanted to know but didnt dare to ask
honestly. i dont know what happened either. it was a built up of so many things.

it felt good to scream though.

Glowing embers

andddd only one person reads this blog!

me #foreveralone

ah to the hell with it. talking to yourself is something reassuring

and not the first sign of insanity so shut it.

but i need someone to talk to though.
or just listen and go

its ok. what do you wanna do?

and then life will be happy again

stupid misleading fairytales

nah. i dont want to feel indebted to anyone

or tied down

I don't know. I'm skeptical about commitment.

to me, it is all just a bluff.
hidden under the pretense of alluring, irresistible promises

I'll be there for you
Just tell me anything you want

it's not that I hate company.
but sometimes, I think if there were 2 of me, life would be great
cause I could talk to myself IRL. and not do it in my mind

hm. nothing huge brought this on actually

just have a lot of things on my mind lately that I have no bloody idea how to put into words

It is a muted jumble of chaotic emotions.
anger, fear, confusion, happiness, nothingness.

but very toned down

almost as if
they were all thrown in a kaleidoscope
and the viewing glass was frosted


my greatest wish now
is to hug ChunJi

stop your judging.

there are too many things I'm ignoring.
so I'm focusing on someone else.
who doesn't know, doesn't care.

I'm going to raise cats.

Implosion

I HATE everything

myself mostly. for having the inability to control

not eating and stuff i'm fine with that now

ITS ABOUT GUYS. OK. ITS SO FUCKING IRRITATING

I'm hesitant to breach this bloody topic but IT HAS TO BE TOUCHED because I'm going crazy.

oh and also, I will judge myself in the future when I read this again.

and seriously, people who still read this will be all:
omg what's her problem

but damn it I NEED TO SAY EVERYTHING.

FIRSTLY. I NEED TO SHUT MY FUCKING HORMONES DOWN SO I CAN STOP BEING SO FIXATED ON GUYS.

I don't know what's the problem with my STUPID MINDSET.
but I constantly feel that I have to be validated by A GUY

really, really? seriously WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THAT. I'M DAMN PISSED WITH MYSELF

So I can feel confident cause I feel... acceptable. pretty I guess
THATS WHY I WEAR MAKEUP AND STUFF AND yeah I've been trying to wean myself off that since last year.

but wait. this problem is much much much better now.

you know why?

cause I'm being distracted

by Teen Top

once again. GUYS.

AND THEN I GET SAD CAUSE I KNOW THAT IT IS A MINDLESS OBSESSION THAT DOES NOTHING BUT WASTE MY TIME AND LIFE

AND CAUSES UNREASONABLE SADNESS THAT
1. THEY DON'T KNOW I EXIST
2. I DONT EVEN. THERE IS NO CONNECTION
3.WHAT AM I DOING

WASTING MY TIME.

ok to clear stuff up. I am not. ABSOLUTELY NOT that type of fangirl that wants them to know me
and will stan them to the extent that I turn sasaeng

its just that

WHATS THE POINT

but watching their videos makes me smile

YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE MY LIFE IS WASTING AWAY

THEN THE CRAZY FANGIRL SIDE OF ME BECOMES TERRIBLY SAD BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I/SHE DON'T KNOW AND SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON AND

wasting my life away.

can
i
just
please
become
normal.

i hate you kpop shit

you have ruined my life.