Crazy long haitus

I'm back! Though I dont know who reads this anymore. I have been having problems
 Not mental problems, but problems nonetheless. I guess I'm just using this space to vizualise and verbalise my thoughts to myself. I will update again later but for now. All I need to say is

I need to let go of what I never had

Blink

Hello whoever is reading this

haven't been on here for a long time because i've moved to tumblr

crazy---inlove.tumblr.com

it has a lot of spam reblogs. so if you (although i'm pretty sure i'm just talking to myself here) wanna read the text posts by me, go to
crazy---inlove.tumblr.com/tagged/personal

anyway ive been looking back on my old blog entries

i was crazy

and as much as i believed then that i was recovered
i wasnt

come to think of it, i was very close to relapsing when i worked in breadtalk

but now it is different (i hope)

i dont try to eat my fear foods. i just do

i dont try to forget my meals. i dont even recall what i ate the day before

i dont try to be happy. because i am

it's very different

being sick and the delusion of recovery and then actual recovery

wouldnt have happened if i didn't go AC

ok. it may not have happened as quickly

because the people i met there helped me so much

and helped me to mature in so many ways and aspects that

i honestly love myself for who i am now

never thought i would reach this stage

so thank you God, very very very much

i wont stop improving. and also i became more sociable
THANK YOU AC

other than that, studies suck but i love every single one of my friends.
and mostly An Ting who is always there <3 br="">

Ideal

here’s my list. IDEAL until super ideal

-          Loves me for who I am

-          Doesn’t think I am fat

-          Willing to wait despite… anything

-          Sporty/ Lean.

-          Abs omg.

-          Smart. Ok. Standard is L1R5 >12

-          Taller than me

-          Able to cook

-          Love animals (ESPECIALLY CATS)

-          Doesn’t mind adopted kids

-          Big eyes/Double eyelids

-          Goal-oriented

-          Loves his family

-          Passionate about something (but normalish stuff not like S&M thanks)

-          Can tolerate my mental rubbish esp when it gets bad

-          Good listener

-          Doesn’t mind roller coasters

-          Wanderlust

-          Faithful and dedicated

-          Won’t have any thoughts EVER about cheating

-          (I’m sorry to say this but this is ideal/impossible list) Well-off [so can travel together and it would be easier to plan for a family]

-          Loves my baking

-          Not short-tempered

-          Sweet

-          Outspoken

-          Extroverted

Memories

Guys. I LITERALLY scrolled all the way back to 14 April 2011. and i read everything

10 March 2012 - Downhill
27 May 2012 - Best day of relapse
17 June 2012 - Went crazy
4 July 2012 - Had 410 calories
26 Sep 2012 - World has been normal for a while
10 Dec 2012 - Worst day of recovery (can't imagine doing that/exploding again)

and then the 2011 stuff were trival-whiny-obssesedgirl shit

and 2013 has been, so far, positive stuff.
and kpop rubbish
HAHA OR SO YOU SEE

there was this period of time, before comp, when I broke again
but this time it was binge eating
I think i purged 3 times in total during that whole period
but i'm fine now

52.5kg ish? idk idw to know
i need to regulate my eating though. it has been fluctuating

but yeah. I've really changed alot. like. ALOT.
i wanna reversed time and stab the 15 year old me actually

such a superficial bitch

but wow. really. i forgot who i was perviously. woah. ok.  i prefer the positive jay (:

BUCKET LIST. and pending

work at a haunted house

go on a caribbean cruise.

zip-line.

skydive.

eat pasta in Italy.

slow dance in the rain. 

marry the man of my dreams.

bungee jump.

get married on the beach.

be the girl of someone's dream.

meet my favourite band

stay at an underwater hotel.

move into an apartment with my best friend.

eat a cheese steak in Philadelphia.

go to times square.

sit in a hot tub in winter.

feel beautiful inside & out.

have sex on a beach.

be a mother.

go to a paint rave.

get a tattoo.

fall in love.

take a cross country road trip with my best friends.

go to the taipei lantern festival.

be a grandmother.

learn to snowboard.

actually do things on my bucket list.

remember to stop and smell the roses.

be kissed under mistletoe.

fly first class.

have lunch at a café in paris.

find my soulmate.

go skinny dipping.

see cirque du soleil.

be kissed at the top of a ferris wheel.

have a secret admirer.

ride on a glass bottom boat.

dye my hair bright red.

throw a party with my best friend.

walk the entire length of the great wall.

receive a love letter.

be confident

leaarn to walk in heels like a pro.

feel comfortable in my own skin.

see lgbt treated equal.

visit london.

eat chocolate in switzerland.

overcome my depression.

love myself.

have my perfect happy ending.

eat cheesecake in new york.

open my own bakery.

spend a night under the stars.

meet ellen & portia.

learn to tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

get my fortune told.

own a bunny.

eat waffles in belgium.

donate blood.

move to another country.

eat poutine in canada.

meet jennifer lawrence.

go to disney land.

eat gelato in italy.

adopt a baby.

eat fish and chips in london.

kiss a girl.

own a thousand books.

learn how to make sushi.

live my life to the fullest.

live my life for me and no one else.

eat in an underwater restaurant.

get a massage.

have sex in a hot tub.

overcome my health problems and live normally.

believe in myself.

be unforgettable to someone.

meet evanna lynch.

make a perfect cheesecake.

get a white ink tattoo.

kiss someone at midnight on new years.

leave a lock on a love bridge.

make my life worth while.

find a real best friend.

party all night.

have my handwriting analyzed. 

own a cat for its whole life.

FANFICTION ALL. excitement

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/310899/1/i-won-t-forget-you-my-angel-infinite-korean-myungsoo-woohyun-lifestyle

http://shippingforshame.tumblr.com/post/37769835945/please-give-me-the-first-kiss-l-joe-niel

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/363168/into-the-arms-of-another-chunji-chunjoe-ljoe-romance-teen-top

If music be the food of love

• 1. A song that makes you feel happy
• 2: A song that makes you feel sad
• 3: A song that makes you feel badass
• 4: A song that makes you feel angry
• 5: A song that makes you feel in love
• 6: A song that makes you feel heart broken
• 7: A song that makes you jump in excitement
• 8: A song that makes you think about life
• 9: A song that makes you cry
• 10: A song you find boring
• 11: A song you listened to too many times and got sick of it
• 12: A song you love
• 13: A song you hate
• 14: A song that makes you dance
• 15: A song that makes you sing
• 16: A song that gets stuck in your head
• 17: Your favorite song
• 18: The last song you listened to
• 19: The song you’re listening to now
• 20: The first five songs on your ipod
• 21: The first five songs on your ipod on shuffle
• 22: A song from your childhood
• 23: The song you want to die listening to
• 24: The song you last sang
• 25: A song that brings up good memories
• 26: A song that brings up bad memories
• 27: A song that you can fall asleep to
• 28: A song that makes you scream when you hear it
• 29: A song that makes you feel pumped up
• 30: A song you wish everyone would listen to
• 31: A song you haven’t heard in a long time
• 32: A song you can always back to and listen to and fall in love with it all over again
• 33: A song with a story behind it
• 34: A song that’s starting to grow on you
• 35: A song you’re starting to get sick of
• 36: The song you’ve listened to the most

Chinese project shit

这是牛车水。这里的地方很狂，若转一圈，就能看到一唐庙和食物中心。 很多人多系环到这儿逛街而且秒外面能看到许多人在等亲戚

Life

• I am a cuddler.
• I am a morning person.
• I am an only child.
• I am currently in my pajamas.
• I am currently pregnant.
• I am left handed.
• l am right handed
• I am ambidextrous
• I am a little shy around the opposite gender.
• I bite my nails.
• I can be paranoid at times.
• I enjoy country music.
• I enjoy smoothies.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I have a car.
• I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I have a pet.
• I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
• I have all my grandparents. 
• I have been to another country.
• I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
• I have or had broken a bone.
• I have caller I.D. on my phone.
• I have bathed someone.
• I have changed a diaper.
• I have changed a lot over the past year.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
• I have had major/minor surgery.
• I have killed another person.
• I have had my hair cut within the last week.
• I have mood swings.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I have rejected someone before.
• I like the taste of blood. 
• I love Michael Jackson.
• I love sleeping.
• I love to shop.
• I own 100 CDs or more.
• I own and use a library card. 
• I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
• I sleep a lot during the day.
• I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
• I work at a job that I enjoy.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I am wearing socks.
• I am tired.
• I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
• I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

I have/had:

• Finished college.
• Smoked cigarettes.
• Ridden every ride at an amusement park. 
• Collected something really stupid.
• Gone to a concert.
• Helped someone.
• Spun turn tables.
• Watched four movies in one night.
• Been broken up with.
• Taken a college level course.
• Been in a car accident.
• Been in a tornado.
• Watched someone die.
• Been to a funeral.
• Burned yourself. 
• Ran a marathon.
• Your parents got divorced.
• Cried yourself to sleep. 
• Spent over $200 in one day.
• Cheated on someone.
• Been cheated on.
• Written a 10 page letter.
• Had a best friend.
• Lost someone you loved.
• Skipped school.
• Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
• Stolen books from the library. 
• Been in a mental hospital.
• Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
• Fired a gun.
• Been in a school play.
• Been fired from a job.
• Taken a lie detector test.
• Swam with dolphins.
• Attempted suicide.
• Written poetry.
• Read more than 20 books a year.
• Gone to Europe.
• Loved someone you couldn’t have.
• Used a colouring book over age 12.
• Had surgery.
• Had stitches.
• Taken a taxi.
• Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.
• Had a hamster.
• Dyed your hair.
• Had something pierced. 
• Gotten straight A’s.
• Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color:

• Light brown
• Medium brown
• Dark brown
• Blonde
• Black
• Dirty blonde
• Strawberry blonde
• Multicoloured

My eyes are:

• Brown
• Dark Brown
• Blue
• Green
• Hazel
• Light brown
• A combination of things
• Ice Blue
• Grey 

People sometimes label me as:

• Slut
• Girly
• Ugly
• Nerd
• Other

Some of my biggest fears are:

• Spiders/other insects
• Slimy things
• Dying
• Doctor/Dentist appointments 
• Hospitals 
• Needles
• Disease
• Being alone in the dark
• Heights
• Small spaces
• Oceans/large bodies of water
• Holes
• Large animals
• Small animals
• Open spaces
• Lightning
• Tornadoes
• Blood

I have:

• A friend with benefits
• A laptop in my room
• A television in my room 
• Good grades
• My own car
• Married parents 

Invasive questions

1. Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Not at the moment!!

2. When did your last hug take place?

Yesterday with Gabriel at Liang's wedding :D

3. Are you a jealous person?

Yes, very at times

4. Are you tired right now?
Mentally exhausted

5. Do you chew on your straws?

When I don't throw it away hahah

6. Have you been called a tease?

yes :/

7. Have you been awake for 48 hours straight?

NO??

8.Do you cry easily?

Nope

9. What should you be doing right now?

Freaking homework

10. Are you a heavy sleeper?

Yup

11. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

Yes

12. Are you mad at someone right now?

MYSELF

13. Do you believe in love?
Yes

14. What makes you laugh no matter what?

The jumpers

15. Who was the last person you talked to?

Talking talking - My mum
Real talking - Clems

16. Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

No crushes atm :D

17. Will you get married?

Maybe, not even a 50% yes. Only if the right guy comes along

18. When was the last time you smiled?

Just now

19. Does anyone like you?

MY FAMILY

20. Do you secretly like someone?

Nopee, cleared that up with myself

21. Who was the first person you talked to today?

My mummy

22. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Strangely enough, Clems!

23. What are you NOT looking forward to?

School. Nationals.

24. What ARE you looking forward to?

Sushi tmr :DD

25. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

Yeah my kor (:

26. What would you do if you saw your ex kissing another person?

Walk away..?

27. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

Nope still schooling

28. Are you a forgiving person?

Generally! It depends on the issue

29. How many TRUE friends do you have?

At least 5 :DD

30. Do you fall for people easily?

Nope

31. Have you fallen for your ex's best friend?

Nope

32. what's the last thing you put in your mouth?

A piece of apple

33. Who was the last person you drove with?

My mum

34. How late did you stay up last night and why?

Till 1.00am+? Came back from a wedding dinner (:

35. If you could move somewhere else, would you?

Yes

36. Who was the last person you took a picture of?

My kor

37. Can you live a day without TV? 
Yupp^^

38. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

Can't remember..?

39. Three names you go by?

- Jia Jun - JJ - Claire

40. Are you currently in a relationship?
With my laptop T.T

41. What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

Warm bodies ^^

42. Do you believe that everyone has a soul mate?

Yup of course!

43. What's your current problem?

Uncontrollable eating

44. Have you ever had you heart broken?

Stupidly enough, yes

45. Your thoughts on long distance relationships?

IMPOSSIBLE

46. How many kids do you want have?

2 would be perfect!

47. Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

Yup. I mean, what if they misinterpret it??

48. What do you do in your spare time?

Read. and tumblr.

49. Favorite food, drink, colour?

Bread, Milo, Yellow

50. LEAST favorite food, drink, colour?

Seafood, Celery juice, TACKY NEON COLOURS

51. Favorite book, movie, tv show?

And Then There Were None, Easy A, HIMYM

52. LEAST favorite book, movie, tv show?

Breaking Dawn, Alice in wonderland -.-, Keeping up with the Kardashians

53. If you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on?
FOOD. for the whole world (:

54. If you could spend 48 hours with anyone (dead or alive), who would it be and what would you do?

TEEN TOP. everything T.T

55. What do you spend most of you money on?

FOOD.

56. What kind of underwear do you prefer wearing?

Seamless cotton

57. If you sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do?

DIE AND CRY THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME

58. What is the strangest thing you have in your room?

idk...? there's nothing! Me. HAHA

59. What is a weird habit you have/ people have told you? (Weird, not bad)

Hugging a pillow case to sleep

60. What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself?

Liking someone and over analyzing shit

61. What are 5 things you absolutely have to have in you dream house?

A FREAKING LIBRARY

A FREAKING READING ALCOVE WITH SUNLIGHT STREAMING IN

CATS

A BIG, BEAUTIFUL, WELL-STOCKED KITCHEN

INTERNET

62. If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you chose and why?

Cat. Cause they are damn chill. and the fatter they get, the cuter they are

63. Which band do you want to travel with?

Emblem3 :D

64. Favorite band, album, song?

Teen Top, No. 1, Little wonders

65. Why is your favorite band your favorite?

Because they are carefree, and fun, and young, and talented and themselves (:

66. What is one of your favorite song lyrics?

You gotta keep your head up

67. Who do you ship?

CHUNJOE

68. How did you learn of your favorite band?

Sister haha

69. Which celebrity do you idolize the most?

Jennifer Lawerence

70. What does your favorite bra/boxers look like?

Seamless grey from Triumph 

71. Shotgun or back seat?

BACKSEAT

72. Hardcover or softcover

Hardcover

73. Do you play an instrument?

Drums ^^

74. What colour is your room?

White and blue

75. Favorite celebrity hair?

Nina Dobrev

76. Are you wearing any pants now?

Yupp

77. What is the most rebellious thing you have ever done?

Drank

78. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?

Hair

79. What is the thing you brag about the most often?

My baking stuff? HAHA

80. What was the last thing you bought?

Yami Yogurt (:

Ricochet

It's hard. living with ed. personally, i think distractions are the best ways to solve the over thinking

but. as my mum says. i always take things to the extremes. dieting, fangirling, obsessing. because for me. its either too much. or nothing at all

all or nothing. i live by that mindset. then i get tired of it. and it's hard to break away

i need to curb my obsession with teen top. wasting too much money. and i feel so inadequate. so lost. because they will never know me.

i know i sound crazy. but i live by the all or nothing mindset.

i fantasize to be dropped in the middle of the ocean and sink

see all the millions of sea creatures and alien animals.

i hate the sea. because it's too big. too wide. too deep. too unknown.

won't it be amazing to be a mermaid? scarier to be a fish on the reef.
because once it ends, you'd never know what's going to happen in the black abyss of the ocean

thats why i want t be dropped in

to remind myself that all my worries and thoughts are insignificant in this world. smaller than. a microorganism. because it's so vast.

i want to learn to concentrate on the bigger picture

A man bitten is a man cursed

everyone needs to pipe the fuck down so i can think

BORED

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage?
Banana Milk

2. Last phone call?
Elin, Breadtalk branch manager (J8)

3. Last text message?
Kay so tmr open house you can?

4. Last song you listened to?
YESTERDAY – DYNAMIC BLACK

5. Last time you cried?
Last year?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice?
Nope

7. Been cheated on?
Yup

8. Kissed someone & regretted it?
Yes

9. Left someone?
Yes

10. Been depressed?
Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up?
No

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12. Lavander/Purple

13. Baby Pink

14. Sunshine yellow

LAST YEAR (2012), HAVE YOU

15. Made a new friend?
Yes

16. Fallen out of love?
Nope

17. Laughed until you cried?
YES

18. Met someone who changed you?
Maybe? Can’t recall~

19. Found out who your true friends were?
Yes

20. Found out someone was talking about you?
Yup

21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend’s list?
No

GENERAL:

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life?
50/55 (deleted people I’m not friends with)

Where is 23?

24. Do you have any pets?
Bailey, tabby cat <3 b="b">

25. Do you want to change your name?
YES.

26. What did you do for your last birthday?
Ate a legit fruit cake :D

27. What time did you wake up today?
8am

28. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Youtube/Tumblr

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
TO START WORK AT BREADTALK

30. Last time you saw your Mother?
Last night/Morning (1.30am) before I slept

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
Now? Hm. Nothing ^^

32. What are you listening to right now?
Shaghai Romance - Orange Caramel

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?
Nope

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now?
PIMPLES I HATE YOU

35. Most visited webpage?
tumblr

Why is there no 36?

37. Nickname?
None?

38. Relationship Status:
In a relationship with obsession over Teen Top

39. Zodiac sign:
Gemini

40. He or She?
She

41. Elementary?
Yes?

42. High School?
Not our schooling system

43. College?
Baking school (:

44. Hair color:
Black/Brown. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE RED THOUGH

45. Long or short?
Long

46. Height:
167cm. Wanna be 170cm sometimes. Wanna be 160 sometimes.

47. Do you have a crush on someone?
TEEN FUCKING TOP

48. What do you like about yourself?
My… legs?

49. Piercings?
Currently no.

50. Tattoos?
Nope. I want one though

51. Righty or lefty?
Right

52. First surgery?
None

53. First piercing?
Ears.

54. First friends?
Isabelle, Jolene and Lynn from kindergarten :D

55. First sport you joined:
Table Tennis

56. First vacation?
Malaysia

QUESTION 57 IS MISSING

58. First pair of trainers?
2009

59. Eating?
now? nope

60. Drinking?
I like Apple cider :D

61. I’m about to…
continue doing useless stuff online. aka waste my life

62. Listening to?
Haru Haru – Big Bang

63. Waiting for?
KOREA TRIP

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids?
HELL NO.

65. Get Married?
To a cat, maybe

66. Career?
 Baker :D

WHICH IS BETTER…

67. Lips or eyes?
Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs

69. Shorter or taller?
Taller. Always taller. Like Changjo^^

70. Older or Younger?
Older(:

71. Romantic or spontaneous?
BOTH. But if had to chose one… spontaneous? But isn’t being romantic spontaneous?

72. Nice stomach or nice arms?
Stoma- arms. BOTH

73. Sensitive or loud?
BOTH. Just be Teen Top. Ok Loud

74. Hook-up or relationship?
Relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant?
None…? IDK MAN.

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger?
Yes

77. Drank hard liquor?
Yes

78. Lost glasses/contacts?
Yupp

79. Sex on first date?
No..?!?!?!?

80. Broke someone’s heart?
I think so?

81. Had your own heart broken?
No. I have no heart.

82. Been arrested?
Nope

83. Turned someone down?
Yep

84. Cried when someone died?
Only fictional


85. Fallen for a friend?
Nope.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself?
Sometimes

87. Miracles?
Occasionally

88. Love at first sight?
Maybe?

89. Heaven?
Sometimes

90. Santa Claus?
YEAH

91. Kiss on the first date?
Nope

92. Angels?
Yes, cause I’m part of the fandom