i feel fat again. stop touching you fucking thighs.  looking for weight management shit. promised not to be ana again, doing this the 'proper' way. maybe they will tell me to piss off and that im not fat. maybe im seeking validation. i dont know. but i want to be skinny
skinnyskinnyskinny. like hyuna. she's so pretty. maybe i should exercise. but im lazy to run. dance maybe. maybe sign up for dance class. or not.
skinnyskinnyskinny. why cant i be skinny

Sticks and stones

Internet is hard to get around here
and I want more cats

to cuddle with

anyway. it's personal but I;m putting this here cause
1. who reads it?!?!
2. need to record in a place where people dk
3. to tell psych when I get back

anyway.
had a mental(?) breakdown yesterday

basically, my siblings bombarded me with hate then I started screaming

"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT"

for 15 min+?

Really banshee screaming in a caravan
It was like an explosion of emotions

after that I just sat there and cried.
they told me the way I cried was like the whole family died.
like something absolutely terrible happened.

also. I wanted to go to their faces and just scream until my throat was bleeding (my siblings i mean)
then i really really wanted to kill them

the scenarios were very vivid

i wanted to take a knife and run it through their stomachs then mash them both up into paste and put the paste in a wooden slate/board/plate and give it to people to eat

then I would tell them it's raw tuna

I honestly don't know where the hell all that came from
but it was seriously just an explosion.

then my father. wait. everyone was very freaked by everything
so my father wanted to stop

but we were near the sea. so another scenario that ran through my mind

I would strip to my undergarments and run into the sea and swim as far as I can until no one can see me
then I'll freeze (it's cold here for summer), get hypothermia and die

another scenario was to ram my head into the floor until everything exploded

another was to scream everything revolving in my head then go sleep and wake up and pretend to forget so it'd be easier for anyone

but it was too much so i fell asleep. as i always do after a freak out session

then i woke up and everybody

wanted to know but didnt dare to ask
honestly. i dont know what happened either. it was a built up of so many things.

it felt good to scream though.

Glowing embers

andddd only one person reads this blog!

me #foreveralone

ah to the hell with it. talking to yourself is something reassuring

and not the first sign of insanity so shut it.

but i need someone to talk to though.
or just listen and go

its ok. what do you wanna do?

and then life will be happy again

stupid misleading fairytales

nah. i dont want to feel indebted to anyone

or tied down

I don't know. I'm skeptical about commitment.

to me, it is all just a bluff.
hidden under the pretense of alluring, irresistible promises

I'll be there for you
Just tell me anything you want

it's not that I hate company.
but sometimes, I think if there were 2 of me, life would be great
cause I could talk to myself IRL. and not do it in my mind

hm. nothing huge brought this on actually

just have a lot of things on my mind lately that I have no bloody idea how to put into words

It is a muted jumble of chaotic emotions.
anger, fear, confusion, happiness, nothingness.

but very toned down

almost as if
they were all thrown in a kaleidoscope
and the viewing glass was frosted


my greatest wish now
is to hug ChunJi

stop your judging.

there are too many things I'm ignoring.
so I'm focusing on someone else.
who doesn't know, doesn't care.

I'm going to raise cats.

Implosion

I HATE everything

myself mostly. for having the inability to control

not eating and stuff i'm fine with that now

ITS ABOUT GUYS. OK. ITS SO FUCKING IRRITATING

I'm hesitant to breach this bloody topic but IT HAS TO BE TOUCHED because I'm going crazy.

oh and also, I will judge myself in the future when I read this again.

and seriously, people who still read this will be all:
omg what's her problem

but damn it I NEED TO SAY EVERYTHING.

FIRSTLY. I NEED TO SHUT MY FUCKING HORMONES DOWN SO I CAN STOP BEING SO FIXATED ON GUYS.

I don't know what's the problem with my STUPID MINDSET.
but I constantly feel that I have to be validated by A GUY

really, really? seriously WHAT FUCKING LOGIC IS THAT. I'M DAMN PISSED WITH MYSELF

So I can feel confident cause I feel... acceptable. pretty I guess
THATS WHY I WEAR MAKEUP AND STUFF AND yeah I've been trying to wean myself off that since last year.

but wait. this problem is much much much better now.

you know why?

cause I'm being distracted

by Teen Top

once again. GUYS.

AND THEN I GET SAD CAUSE I KNOW THAT IT IS A MINDLESS OBSESSION THAT DOES NOTHING BUT WASTE MY TIME AND LIFE

AND CAUSES UNREASONABLE SADNESS THAT
1. THEY DON'T KNOW I EXIST
2. I DONT EVEN. THERE IS NO CONNECTION
3.WHAT AM I DOING

WASTING MY TIME.

ok to clear stuff up. I am not. ABSOLUTELY NOT that type of fangirl that wants them to know me
and will stan them to the extent that I turn sasaeng

its just that

WHATS THE POINT

but watching their videos makes me smile

YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE MY LIFE IS WASTING AWAY

THEN THE CRAZY FANGIRL SIDE OF ME BECOMES TERRIBLY SAD BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I/SHE DON'T KNOW AND SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON AND

wasting my life away.

can
i
just
please
become
normal.

i hate you kpop shit

you have ruined my life.

Sunset Boulevard

If I keep standing TeenTop/ Korean stuff

i'm going to fall into the blackhole of fandoms.
SuJu's blackhole took me a year to claw my way out of.

this will be a diluted version of the extensive stuff I've discussed with my sis

Basically, everything is a fluke

Fans who

1. claim to "know" the idol
2. call them their "oppa"
3. believe that one day they'll meet and fall in love
4. aspire to be the idol's ideal girl/guy
5. call them by their real names
6. say that he/she "belongs" to

IRRITATE THE HELL OUT OF ME

1 & 2
you don't know them. they've been so edited in real life.
in fact, what we are seeing is what the company wants us to see

that's why they are so "perfect"
they are basically acting the whole time.

That's one the reasons I stopped standing SuJu
because they looked so sad when they aren't trying.
Went to SuperShow. it's even more obvious when you see the, in person

GLAMOURISING CHILD LABOUR. cause they basically give up their lives since young to be stalked by people
wow i feel so protesty

to me, signing a kpop contract is basically telling the whole world
"HEY FEEL FREE TO STALK ME. I'M HERE GUYS DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH ME WITH YOUR IMAGINATION. REALLY, I'M FINE."

how would it feel like if you met a person who knew your weight, height, childhood stories and has millions of your pictures? oh AND REMEMBERS WHAT YOU'VE SAID AND ATE AND WHERE YOU WENT TO 4 YEARS AGO.
you'd probably file a police report

but they can't do that. and it's not just 1. it's hundreds of thousands

3 & 4

hi. you don't even speak their language. and they have no idea you exist.

and once again, the person you like is what the company wants you to see

5 & 6
AND they don't belong to you wtf??

they freaking belong to themselves and their parents
AND THEY DON'T KNOW YOU EXIST

and they have stage names for a reason. if not, might as well use their real names.
personally, i think fans have absolutely no right to use the idol's real name unless their stage name is their real name (Kim Jong Kook :D)

ok it's just a rant.

i have ulterior motive for standing TeenTop:
TO AVOID BEING INFATUATED. in real life haha

I had enough of guys to last me my life time. honest.
i know Kpop is fake. who doesn't? but at least i can have a distraction.

the delusion of perfect guys

SO DON'T JUDGE ME

it's better than real life drama because I will never know them irl.

real life sucks haha. that's why i'm willing to fall into the blackhole

I can feel you judging me as you read -.-

AH WELL. my life guys
Pics:

Confident coward

PREDICTIONS

English - A2
E Maths - B3
A Maths - B3
Chem - B4

its. complicated. my head is complicated.

on a side note. I CAN'T WAIT TO START BAKING AGAIN 3 MORE DAYS JUST 3 MORE

the first thing imma do is a banana dessert :D

banana pie maybe, i really wanna try

then cheesy rice balls for Natalie
chocolate raspberry bars for Mr Peter (Maths tutor)
sugar-free stuff for Mr Hoo (Chem tutor)

this is so exciting. going to list down stuff that's making me happy by just thinking about it

1. BAKING
2. SNOW BOARDING
3. HOT SPRING IN SNOW
4. CLEARING 4 YEARS OF NOTES
5. ROLLER BLADING
6. CYCLING TO EAST COAST
7. DYING MY HAIR RED
8. MEETING JO AGAIN

then I'm going to start a new tumblr. my old one was/is
http://scarlett-feather.tumblr.com
not a very nice tumblr

SO EXCITED. DID I MENTION BAKING

Haitus' haitus

i know that's a tad egoistic but it works for me when i dress in shorts and heels ^^ DON'T BE JUDGY

my brother disapproves though~

SO. as the title says. this is my break from my break from blogging
6 MORE DAYS

I'm skipping Bio, SS and Hist cause honestly, I think it's a waste of time.
and I'd rather spend time on the subjects I have a CHANCE of scoring in
(Predicted marks below as well)

1. English - A2
2. Maths  - B3
3. AMaths
4. Chem
5. Lit
6. F&N

For Chinese it's an A1. 7 POINTS TO GO

almost everyone's all:
why are you aiming so high when all you need are 3 passes?

It's just to prove myself to.. myself? or maybe the world
as in

 I'm going to baking school and not JC because I cannot study. I am CHOOSING this path on my own free will.

it's complicated but I explained it to my sister haha.
another thing

FREAKING IN LOVE WITH CHUNJI WHAT THE HELL.
and I'm not a delusional fan ok.
He's
- egoistic
- a tad selfish

BUT IT'S CHARMING. voice of an angel.
He is damn handsome, and he knows it, that's why he has an inflated ego
but it IS charming.

but in reality if I meet a guy like that - no way, ever.
besides, I'm not getting married or having any children

BELIEVE ME PEOPLE. I have my reasons will explain next time.
 6moredays6moredays6moredays

1 of the things I'm looking forward to is going to USS with Jovi and maybe KX? IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

and going snowboarding in Korea next Jan :DD EXCITING MUCH
totally wanna try hot spring in snow <3 p="p">

Standing

anyone reading anymore?
don't think so~
WHATEVER. I'm just going to type.

SO.
today was hell of a slack day.

woke at 9
saw Stephanie (psych) from 10-11
watched tv / tumblred / ate lunch / bathed from 11.30 - 2
DID MATH TILL 5
watched tv from 5- 6
blogging now

so productive sometimes.

anyway, I've decided to go to SunRice after Os.
but I still want to get 8 points so people won't judge me you know?

"You only entered this industry because you can't study!"

No way in hell. I want to join this industry because I really can't picture myself doing anything else.

nothing else at all. honestly, NOTHING in JC, Poly or even Uni interests me.

plus I've liked baking since I was 11. honest.
Just that when I had ED, I started using baking as a tool. that was damn idiotic
but I'm past that now, I won't do such an idiotic thing ever again.
you have to bake with love, not malice.

so truthfully, even if you didn't pay me to bake for the rest of my life (just let me live in a bakery :D)
I would seriously be fine with it (:

Some people asked me
"Wouldn't it trigger your problems?"

Actually I have this rule: NEVER binge on gourmet food
CAUSE IT'S FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL

I mean, people put so much effort, time and money into it, and then you binge and flush it away??
what logic is that??? freaking senseless

and tell me, how can I avoid food once I'm surrounded by it?

guys, trust me. ED is not a life I want to relive.

so basically, I just need 3 passes. but I want 8 points still (: nothing beats a good record
will talk more about SunRice next time.

ANYWAY. here's my bucket list of stuff to do after Os!

1. Dye my hair red
2. CONTINUE WATCHING RUNNING MAN <3 b="b">
3. Sleepover @Qing's :D
4. Sleepover @ Rachel's w/ Tammy :DD. (HIMYM MARATHON OMG.)
5. USS!
6. Prom~ (talk about this next post.)
7. BAKER AND COOK'S (Job at a bakery :DD)
8. New Zealand
9. STALK TOP BROTHERS IN KOREA. OMFG.
10. KINOKUNIYA <3 i="i">(Too many books to buy)
11. Join post crossing (goggle it.)
12. Decorate room (details another time. too much to say)
13. Willing Hearts <3 p="p">14. START A BONFIRE WITH ALL MY NOTES.
(or I could sell it to the Karang Guni [Rang-and-Bone man]. But really, where's the fun in that?)
15. Play in the rain
16. Make Jia Ying her pie crust (long story)
17. http://www.viralviralvideos.com
18. 49 Days (Korean drama my daddy introduce)
19. Replay 1997 (Korean drama Mumsy introduce. I know, my parents are addicted)
20. FIND MORE PUNNY JOKES ^^
21. Brazilian/ Bikini Waxing with Rachel (o__O)  (hey comeon. YOLO.)
22. Scam city! (Nat Geo show I think)
23. Superhuman Showdown (Nat Geo also)
24. My pet cat from hell (Animal Planet show)
25. Pass on my rearranged Lit file to junior(s) (Cause I'm kind :D)
26. Bake sugar free food for Mr Hoo! (AWESOME Chem tutor ^^)
27. Bake SUPER NICE FOOD for Mr Nah (Cause he's picky?)

that's all so far. most excited about burning my notes though. omg can't waittttt
I CAN FINALLY THRASH 4 YEARS OF JUNK.

btw, I stan Teen Top and 100% (Top brothers)!
THEY ARE SO DAMN GOOD. THANK YOU  ANDY.

Be Ma Girl - TeenTop

Bad Boy - 100% 

OH and Orange Caramel! Listen to

Shanghai Romance

Bangkok City. 

ADDICTIVE.

Discreet dreams

T

LOOK BELOW. 

Chances are

Long time since I've been here!

so quick update,
went into 46A again for 46 days, cleared my thoughts, beaten myself up over the stupid decisions I've made.

Now prelims are over and i really want to relax but Os are coming.

Oh yes. and I'm going to baking school next year. Sunrice.

now i'm addicted to:

1. Running Man
2. Kim Jong Kook. fucking hell.
3. TEEN TOP. (creds to my sister)

and unfortunately, 50 shades of Grey

This is crazy. there is a long story but in short is that I'm dead serious when I say that I'm fine with being single forever.

I have my reasons but I hate being drawn in into the fucking grasps of erotica that are stupid and
even i'm disgusted with myself. bloody hell, i'm totally going to lock up the books.

ATM, i'm freaking jealous of eloquent people who can specifically  express their thoughts in words.
but since i can't and I'm in no mood to organise things tumbling in my head, here is a very jumbled post.

I have always had this rule: All or nothing.

either do your best or don't do it at all. explains all the stress I've consistently buried myself in.

also the reason why i'm skipping combined humans and Bio paper

I also relate this rule to fangirling.

To tell you the truth, I hate being a fan of people who won't ever know i exist. So if i want to fan girl, i tell myself to freaking to it properly and try to 'gain their attention'

then you'd think about it. you'd be 1 out of a million fans. even if they know you, it's not like they can ever like you or whatever fantasy you have concocted.

and especially Korea's 'REALITY/VARIETY' shows that are scripted. see the irony there?

*running man*

you'd never truly know them anyway. the way they are presented to you is not who they really are. so what's the fucking point for being shallow and falling for a scripted act

the more i think about it, the more depressing it seems, so i become a fan that doesn't want to be a fan.

illogical.

my sister, especially, thinks I'm weird for having this notion. 'Just support them!'

yeahh, no.

I'm going to dye my hair red after Os. Ombre or full dye?
15th Oct is last paper if i skip bio but i'm unsure whether to skip bio or not

I sometimes waver between going to baking school or JC. i mean at JC, you'd get higher qualifications to fall back on in case baking fails for me.
If my choice fails me, then I'd have to go Poly and my self control/motivation is non existent.

then that's what my psych told me.

People with depression look too much into the past
People with anxiety look too much into the future
how do you know what's going to happen if it hasn't happened yet?

and my father told me

"Always think of the worst that can happen. not about the implications that that will bring. for example, getting an F9. does that mean you will fail O levels?
 Does that mean you will fail all your subjects?
does that mean you will fail in life?
No. It means you got an F9. And once you've accepted it, everything you do from that point on will be a bonus.
 like, doing homework, looking at notes. it's the mindset "It can't get any worse than F9." so if I try and get a B4, that's great. If i get am F9, then so be it because I've accepted it. "

then he told me it was a pessimistic way of thinking. but it works for me. fits into my all or nothing mindset

so i'm not going to let anyone else dissuade me. so what if i take the unconventional route?

all  want to do in life is to be happy. isn't that the point of living? to enjoy it. so why not start now? besides i'm still young :D

The worst that can happen is i flunk out of baking school. ok, then I'll either get a job in a bakery or start poly, life won't end.

and I'm confident I won't flunk out. do I sound egoistic? maybe.

another thing is, I haven't checked my phone for about 3 days now. anti social behaviour? I dont know

1. i really really despise desperate guys. just saying. i know i sound damn spiteful
2. it's hard to keep track of other people's problems.

THERE IVE FINALLY SAID IT. im so sorry guys thats why i don't reply sometimes. it's just that i don't know how to help you if you don't want to help yourself. I know i'm not being a good friend but i'm just really tired sometimes.
but when i reply, that means i've snapped out of my selfish mood. i'm really sorry. because there are only 6 people i'd be there for regardless, without exception. you guys know who you are. had h2h days ago and it was enlightening, partially.

anyway. i told sq once that i hated guys. it's true sometimes. i just like being alone. with FRIENDS. really hate this crazy teenager/hormonal period. IT'S SO IRRATIONAL.

yeah. really glad to be in an all girls school :D going to be myself from now on. this was one of the things i've cleared up in the hospital. not going to put in any special fucking efforts to impress any shit guy.

sorry im taking this out on the male population. ihaveproblems.

If you judge me by my looks/ lack thereof, you can just go fuck yourself. from now on the only reason i dress up is to feel good.

but contradictory to EVEYRTHING i've said, I would so put in effort for Jong Kook. crazy useless infatuation.

He's 36 you know, more than TWICE my age, 20 years older. but he's athletic and competitive and protective (of dongsaengs) and handsome (to me) and ripped and HIS SMILE IS AMAZING. the most alluring factor is that he's REALLY REALLY GOOD AT SPORTS and seriously competitive.
 i'm being shallow here now. ah well.

did i mention he's really good at sports? like, all sports. oh and he's tall and talks a lot.

wishful thinking. chances are i'm better off sleeping

Stop and stare

I hate myself. so so much

as of now
im just wasting my time feeding ed
with all the food videos.

yes i know what im doing

going to baking school
wanting to go to baking school

is that me or ed?

i want to go there as a motivation to recover.
but if it's ed, then she wouldn't want me there right?
cause that would really mean that i gotta eat

get rid of her once and for all

and there is this though stuck in my head
that because i'm going baking school

im safe

i dont have to study so fucking hard

what absolute rubbish

i have just wasted 2 weeks of my study opportunities

because im a failure
and im scared of challenges
facing up to stress.

returning to reality

ok i promise.
i will study tomorrow

finish my bloody chemistry notes

start on F&N again

i will do it

but honestly

if i don't bake for a living

i dont know what to do with my life

and also

i realised why i can't eat to food i make

i can only taste it at the most

because it's not meant for me.
it feels wrong for me to eat what i make you know?
very selfish and undeserving

not in the "ohhh i'm not worth it. everyone now tell me im wrong cause i'm just fishing for compliments here"

as in truthfully.

my own efforts seem too much for me.

like, nice stuff are only for others.

as in i can have it too
just not my own

i dont know
when i take a full portion of what i make, i feel guilty as hell

is that me or the ed?

but even when i recovered and ate what i made. as in a full portion
it felt wrong

maybe that will stay with me forever
'
on the bright side, i will be able to sell things :D

ok time to sleep.
another day tomorrow.

not looking forward

even now i just want to disappear into nothing.

Dystopia

The Hunger Games (Trilogy) - Suzanne Collins
Across the universe (Trilogy) - Beth Revis
Divergent (Trilogy) - Veronica Roth
Chrysalids - John Wyndham
Animal Farm - George Orwell


GODDESS TEST (TRILOGY)
Genesis - Bernard Beckett
The Collector - Victoria Scott
Awaken - Katie Kacvinsky
Glitch - Heather Anastasiu
Solstice - P.J. Hoover
Blindness - Jose Saramago
Matched (Trilogy) - Allie Collins
Unwind (Trilogy) - Neal Shusterman  
Shatter me (Trilogy) - Tahereh Mafi
Delirium (Trilogy) - Lauren Oliver
Uglies (Series) - Scott Westerfield
1984 - George Orwell
Exodus - Julia Bertagna
Under the never sky - Veronica Rossi
Inside out - Maria V. Synder


UPCOMING in 2013
Shades of Earth - Across the universe #3
Divergent #3
Boundless - unearthly #3
Heroes of the Olympus #4
My name is Rapunzel - K.C. Hilton
Pivot Point - Kasie West

QUIRKS

These are the stuff I believe in:

Being cold means losing more calories. (it takes energy for the body to warm up)


burn more calories sitting up straight


calories get burnt when you drink ice water

sleeping helps burn calories


eating with a teaspoon helps you eat lesser and slower so you have more time to be full. and the food seems more


cutting food up into many pieces increases their quantity. you can eat more but less


chewing a lot of times deceives you into thinking that you're eating enough


drinking water keeps you full. and the hunger pangs away


Big breakfast, small lunch, insignificant dinner




Let me tell you about today


so i woke up at 5.20am and weighed
40.6kg


i was like. meh. hoping for lower


then i realised it was raining, so i couldn't run today morning


was kinda happy cause i didn't want to do 12 rounds.


but then was sad. cause there goes my yogurt


went back to sleep


woke up at 6.10 am


breakfast: 59g special K + 140ml of milk


school.


it was cold.


then at 10 am my stomach started rumbling.


but i didn't want to eat because i didn't run today


but i had apples


ate 1 slice


at 10.40, ate another slice


at 1, i was hungry again. like, hungry until i want to puke


ate another slice.


5 slices left.


that was my lunch


but i was dying. from stress and hunger


sliced the apples up


1 slice gave me 16 pieces


there was so many!
happy and freaked out


ate about 3 and a half slices
became really full


then i threw everything away


drank 3l of water today


threw my dinner away


today was really really cold


i was freezing in class until i couldn't take it


then Lecia said "you're too skinny"


I wore my jacket. still really cold


then it stopped raining and stuff. got a tad warmer.


warmed up even more under the shower


when i stepped out, it was cold again.


tuition was freezing. i'm still cold now.


i hope my weight goes down tomorrow.


ate.. 400 calories today? or maybe 410


i hope it doesn't rain tomorrow, because i want to eat


but i also hopes it rain tomorrow
i dont want to run.

clockwork.

im going to see the psych on sat. the world is going to freak out
i dont know if im happy or pissed. a bit of both actually
but i didnt protest. because i know i need it
but i dont want it either. now i'll never be my fucking goal weight ever.

chills

cant help it. its like two people living in my head.

when i look into the mirror, its like double vision - i can see both bones and fat.

 when i eat, i see both essential nutrition and unnecessary numbers.

when i step on the scale, its screams both "FAILURE" and "YOU'RE TOO FUCKING SKINNY"

when i binge, half my thoughts are saying
"this is doing you good"
another half saying
"you're going to pay for this"

when i go to sleep, then everything become quiet.

you say i have everything. yes i do.

 too much of everything.

 its a never ending battle

how can anyone be skinny and fat at the same time?
through my eyes, its possible.

lets exchange lives, shall we?

stay strong

thank you for reading <3 don't keep running ok? you're going to die if this continues. keep going and don't give up you can make it. thanks for everything btw <3 it helps so so much. don't be angry with your parents also, they are just really worried for you. can you imagine if your child was exactly like you? won't you be at a loss too? dont let ed take over your life.
FIGHT IT. you can do it i believe in you. and so do the rest. we will be with you whenever you need. don't worry. better things have yet to come and there is a lot lot LOT more to life

PLEASE

please please please make everything go away please PLEASE
my head is killing me. 43.7
ate so much
i cant believe im admitting this but

i need help. please please help me. i need help
i want to weigh 40kg but i cant pleas i cant do this anymore
i cant please please just stop everything


i hit 42.2 this morning and i freaked out
ate so much
4 packs of oreo, 2 hokkaido biscuits, ben and jerry ice cream, 4 apples, 1 slice of bread
so now im 43.7
i cant take this anymore

please guys pleasepleaseplease help me.
something. please please i cant take this anymore.

please please just kill me
i cant. too much guilt and i cant go to the toilet
im sick of this. all of it. please. helphelp i cant. please


please please PLEASE i cant continue this way. you dont know how much it takes just to admit you need help. but i dont want it also.

just kill me.

so bloody close and i had to go ruin it. please please help me i cant take the voices anymore its killing me. everyday i hate it i want my life back

pleasepleaseplease
let it end

fallout

start to keep fit ok?

she tells the runner whose world start spinning as soon as she stands up.

its all too easy to push people away.

i know all the tricks of the trade. care to learn?

pirouette

I think now, i have disordered eating more than an eating disorder
i mean

1. i don't feel guilty when i stick to my safe foods
2. im eating 900-1000 calories a day hello
3. i don't kill myself if i gained 0.1kg out of nowhere

look at this.

Anorexia nervosa is characterized by:

• Emaciation (nope)
• A relentless pursuit of thinness and unwillingness to maintain a normal or healthy weight
• Intense fear of gaining weight (well. not intense)
• Distorted body image, a self-esteem that is heavily influenced by perceptions of body weight and shape, or a denial of the seriousness of low body weight
• Lack of menstruation among girls and women
• Extremely restricted eating.  (not extremely. just a tad)

Disordered eating is characterized by a wide range of unhealthy eating behaviors and weight loss methods such as chronic restrained eating, compulsive eating, and habitual dieting. It may also include irregular eating patterns, avoidance of certain foods or food groups, and the denial of physical hunger and satiety, usually for the sake of losing weight. Disordered eating may begin as an effort to drop a few pounds or get in better shape, but the behaviors can become obsessive. Some disordered eating patterns can include symptoms of both anorexia and bulimia nervosa.

Disordered eating is you dont eat what you need, and have and unbalanced diet.
Anorexia means you pretty much don't eat at all.

you see?

but on the other hand

ana behaviors

1. compulsive weighing
2. fear of gaining weight (BUT NOT EXTREME FEAR)
3. not eating high caloric foods i make for others

does eating the same food fall under disordered eating or ed?

i'm doubting because

1. i dont have the compulsion to exercise

2. i don't eat that little/ not at all A FREAKING 1000CALS MY DEARS.
3. and im not hungry. 

dr lee would probably say im in denial

but i dont think i am

i lost 6kg over 3 months?

thats not a lot

in fact, its so freaking gradual

honestly, im not in a rush to lose weight

i dont mind doing it slowly

because i dont want a repeat of last time. 6kg in 2 weeks dont know how the hell that happened

so no. i dont think im anorexic. more of crazy disordered eating. and thinking

do you think im in denial too?

but i really dont exercise AT ALL. like a fucking lazy pig.

Shout her lovely name

hello; i've been watching documentaries.
weight-related stuff. esp supersize vs superskinny

not pro ana of course. im not that stupid.
anyway. its interesting. realised that i retained a lot of my old habits:

eating with a teaspoon
not trusting people with the preparation of my food
baking high caloric stuff and not eating it
weighing my food
chewing a lot
taking really small bites
eating super slowly
constantly counting
getting addicted to watching people eat.

yeah. i know the last one is freaky. there's a logic behind that though
but it is so so selfish

also. i can feel my hipbones. but i cant see them
and i can finally feel my shoulder blades
oh and. there's a slightly wider gap between my thighs (:

but my stomach is not flat yet. still really really flabby and fat
and ribcage. not obvious.

i know. its disgusting
but i like to see the bones
it is so wrong. but i do.
im sorry its crazy

been feeling weak lately. all i want to do is sleep
the last time i weighed, i'm still at 43kg.

today i didn't eat lunch. as in not my usual time

i was honestly this close () to collapsing. and really cranky as well
the whole world kept swaying

then i asked my mum for lunch (we were out at vivo)
so we ate at some jap restaurant
then i ate a vanilla gelato

didn't regret it, it tasted really nice

but i dont want to continue this way

back to my routine tmr.

i know its wrong to keep eating processed food
its not as healthy as home cooked ones
but. they have caloric values. its more satisfying.

but at the same time. im scared to drop below 42.3 my admission weight
i think that's why i keep bouncing back up


and. i also need reassuring,
how many calories does a 5'5, 94.7lbs 16 year old girl need a day to lose 0.5kg a week?
1040.

how many calories is the healthy for teenagers?
2000 - 2500

im at 1025 already. because if the ice cream
who knows. i think its time to skip dinner.

ate 857 yesterday

ok bye. tuition time.
dont freak out over the crazy rant guys.

sickly sweet

 hate chocolate now. i really really do.

today wasn't a good day
it was track farewell and i couldn't stop eating
not at all

just kept going and going
sausage pasta WITH OIL. i ate about 7 plates. honest to god i'm not exaggerating
then ate a hell lot of chips. really. demolished the whole plate
2 brownies
2 cupcakes
1 slice of chocolate fudge cake. felt so sick.
more seaweed chips later
then i went off to the canteen

bought butter-sugar bread and 2 packs of biscuits and drinks and ate everything in 15 minutes

came back and ate another brownie
another cupcake
more chips

i was so so so full
but  couldn't stop. i really really couldn't

then i ate 4 animal biscuits and i came home

damn fucking disgusted with myself

so the big question

did i purge in school?
of course not.

its the new school i'm not going to be the one stinking/ clogging it up

but it was so so so so disgusting

waipan asked me twice why i was eating so much

yiyi asked me 3 times why i was still eating

shame. i cant control it.
and its so obvious.
thats why  dont like going out
i like routine.

breakfast: 60g of special k 9 (220cals), 140ml of strawberry milk(100cals) 
lunch: kimchi ramen (260) with egg white (17) and carrot (24cals)/tofu (33cals)
dinner: 1 apple (70cals) and 1 orange (80cals)/ steamed veggies (200cals)


i should have brought along 4 apples for lunch
but i forgot and was so fucking hungry
so i binged. so much.
and my mum wasn't there to stop me

if you are blaming yourself for not stopping me, don't. would you have known what a binge looks like?
of course not. i usually do it in secret anyway

but i weighed myself
43kg. so im fine. for now. was expecting like, 46kg or 44 something.
back to the same tomorrow
and im going for a morning jog

it was the first bag of chips in a year
first servingS of meat in 3 months
first servingS of pasta in 2 months
and first chocolate cake in 2 years.

binge foods:
bread
meiji biscuits
digestive cookies
hello panda
ice cream
fruit loops

and now:

chocolate

im staying away from all those. too triggering.

Open your eyes

hello. i haven't been on here for a long time
actually. it feels weird to blog so much. because i dont know who the hell is reading this
and if i scream for help on here, it will never happen irl. because
it would only hurt people

my mummy knows though. i can see it in her eyes. she damn fucking sad

i hate myself for that i know i shouldnt be doing this.
they have hid the weighing scale. i want to tear my skin off.

I NEED TO EAT MORE.
but i can't bring myself to

i'm starting to hate cooking. because i know i cant eat the food
i want to
but i cant
i really really cant
im starting to dislike baking also THIS IS BAD,

because every time i bake its just.

fatsfatsfatsfats. then i cant eat it.
i really really want to.
but i cant
just thinking of it makes me so full.

i cant believe im admitting this. its taken so long for me to finally admit it.
im baking for myself

disordered thinking. so disordered.
when i see people on the street
im judging them

i feel so sick and disgusted so self centered.
so conflicting
its like 2 people in my head

im getting headaches recently. mild ones. but they're building up
it starting to spin also. everything is blurred. especially all the lines i shouldnt have crossed.

i hate my mind. i hate my world.
so i seek refuge on tumblr
so much more reassuring
so much worse.
but i dont know.

how can be worthy to help others when im such a hypocritical bitch.

would you care to know more?
you might
but when you ask me about it
talk about it
i  will run away. i dont deal well.
i cant verbally admit that i want help

its so confusing. everything is so fucked up
every morning i hate to wake up
its too much.

but hey. at least im eating ok.
1000 a day.

Loving hate

not a food rant. for once haha

so ANYWAY. went to AC to experience their training cause i'm thinking of DSA-ing. maybe.

on.. thursday? we went there and did some slack swimming.
about less than 20laps altogether? and flippers are damn fun :D

then today morning, went over to MacRitchie
started at 8 ish cause it was raining
then 15min warm up
stretch

AND FREAKING 7K.
exactly like pre-comp training

Bei and I were totally dead after that

we did the Northern route, not our usual in-out thingy

we thought it'd be easier

FUNNY.

don't even know why the hell we thought that way!!
for one, there were about 6 killer slopes there and back
but not as vertical as the usual one. BUT STILL.

then it was really wet cause it rained

and because we didn't know the route right, so we thought it was going to end.
about 100 times
but no 0.0

nearly gave up so many times, i wanted to walk up all the slopes
im serious.

but then like, wts, if i wanna train i gotta do this properly
so just jog slowly up the freaking hill/slope/mountain

i tell you. can die

Bei vomited on the way back and she nearly blacked out
she say she never push so hard for ANY training EVER.

we thought Ms Lim's trainings were crazy
but I'd do her training any day now. its waywayway better im serious.

i was 41.something and Bei was 44.something
which is quite good ok!
for a couple of people who haqve been slacking their asses off XD

thennn did core training. i'm fine with it actually but Bei hates it.
and actually, that one training is equivalent to 2 of our training.

but they were all "this training was ok"

then 2 of us were there like omg. dead.

going to burn out even before comp gosh.
so anyway, Bei's having second thoughts now. and so am I but it was never my full intention anyway

tuesday it's endurance run and core, thursday is stairs and sat again
can't go for thursday's one
and sat is going to be killer

might skip haha.

oh well.

i get triggered. by i have no idea what
then i eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
then i get upset from eating so much.
and i do not want to shred my throat or body anymore
so i get really really upset
then i eat and eat
then i get more upset
and i eat more. wanna know what i ate in an hour?

ramen 260
egg white 20
1 huge plain bun 150
4 slices of white bread 400
1 kaya bun 213
hello panda 90
5 digestive biscuits 324
1 char siew pao ???
1 rou pao ???
34 grapes 113
1 apple 73


that's my spiral. right there
i was 42.9 this morning
im 44.4 now
can.t even.

now i want to eat more
just cause i feel terrible.
my stomach feels like it is going to fucking explode im serious. have you ever felt so full before?
i cant even walk without being in pain its that painful

1.5kg

i hate me

kill them.

ate breakfast properly.
milk & cereal 400+
3 buns 210

Another day

hello. prepare for another rant

today, i ate more than i should

because. at 9ish when i stood up to get water
i could not see. again
or balance.
stood at the counter place for like, 30 seconds

part of me was happy
another part was freaked

so i decided to not count.
think i may have hit 2000 haiz.

anyway. knew i was going to lose control
so by 1 pm
i had drank 2 litres of water.

then lunch. i ate my ah gong's food.
cant count.

then i weighed.
45.1

i knew. i knew that its not accurate.
hello. 2l of water is 2kg plus
and lunch??

but i couldn't stop it. resist the urge.

so dinner was cabbage and carrots.

then my mummy went out
i was downstairs. alone

what did i do?
i ate
meiji biscuits
2 butter buns
a hell lot of grapes

of course i wanted to keep going
but i didn't counted hypothetical calories.
made up huge figures

then i downed another litre of water
in 15 minutes

damn full now
but its the good full
at least i cant binge or whatever shit

but anyway
just ate more than i should.

still 43.2 concurrently
i dont want to drop any lower
but i also do.

this is my admission weight
im freaked
but im also happy

this is too wrong.
im eating. dont berate me
im trying my best

i nearly ate ice cream today
but the uncle said he didn't have
at amk hub.
as in TOTALLY no flavours. i have no idea why

but yeah. just updating my pathetically self centered life which revolves around food

tomorrow morning
before breakfast
if im 43.0-43.2
i will eat proper lunch.
as in ramen. the whole packet. with egg white and carrots

if not.
half a pack of ramen with egg white.
then dinner is usual. and i will measure out breakkie.

i havent measured breakfast for 2 days now.
it was good (: