Yellow boots

THIS is my blog
so to the hell with it

i'm gonna say what I WANT and i don't really give a damn who reads it anymore. to make this boring and annoying im gonna type like that the whole way. if i know you *AHEM PARENTS.AHEM* dont talk to me about it. so anyway, i think he has forgotten the blog. oh wells. it feels like its fading. oh gosh. actually i think paranoia is becoming too overwhelming. its easier being a girl don't you think? see, if you are a guy, you have headaches tryna figure out what a girl wants. anyway. so yup is kinda distant now. not because we dont meet. but cause texting is like. yeah. and meeting.. probably a few hours a week? its just that im a freaking insecure retard. but hey, aren't we all? girls i mean. and then there is always the nagging thought that 'ím not good enough'. sure. they will tell you you ARE good enough for them. but i dont know. i want to know who is my soul mate. saves all the trouble isnt it? and are guys this frivolous? or i dont know. ever since that day. the stupid day. everything seems to be going wrong. or is it just me? i really don't know. it is so hard to keep trying. im tired of feeling like the only one trying. what happened to it takes 2 hands to clap? now i guess i sorta understand what mindy means. haiz. relationships. they cause so much.. crap. and. it just feels. i dont know. i wanna leave singapore and just go somewhere else. like seriously, i want to go so badly. i have been considering. but im underage. how the hell will i live? haha or go into tumblr world. i think i talk more to his best friend than i talk with him. it is sad actually cause its like, wth. screwed up much? then there is texting. ok. i know some people dont like to text and all. its so much nicer to talk to real life. but if we hardly ever meet in rl and we dont text, then what. hi-bye friends? slowly becoming to seem like it. last time it was, non stop texting and the longest ever as this 11 page long message. nostalgia huh? thats why i dont want to be in a relationship. it becomes all burden-ish and sexual. it just ruins stuff. always. so people. wait for your soul mate. i dont know. is he it? maybe?maybenot? kay, like i know trainings and freaking tiring and so is not sleeping but. is it so wrong for me to feel.. neglected? perhaps a tad too selfish. but i dont want to be this bitch who goes all. oh you better spend time with me or else. its conflicting. and i miss track so so much. when i hear people talk about track i seriously feel like crying. ok like i know i dont show it, but track is awesome. k so i used to hate it. so what. you never really know what you love until its taken away from you. i would give anything. ANYTHING, to go back to track. ANYTHING, to reverse time and not start dieting and cutting. but i cant. and im scared of rejection and failure. my stupid prid is keeping me from going to beg for it. plus. i can never catch up again. i dont think my parents will allow me back either. they are scared of a relapse and yeah. i know. if you really love it, you will do anything to get it. but you dont get it. even i dont get it. if you cant give your best, why bother? your best must be put into everything you do. and im also damn scared of disappointment. for sure there will be. stupidstupid.

a compilation of it all. basically, i thought i found someone who i can tell everything to without being judged. everyone gets tired after a while. and he is forevr having fun and. suddenly it seems like, if i told him any of these stuff, he will get tired of me and all. i know he says he wont but i told you. im insecure. stuff are processed differently unless encouragement is always there. i miss my old life. the one in kindergarten where your problems were because you couldn't complete that monkey bar or swing high enough or have too little time going to school

heck. I NEED TO FORGET THE PAST. BYE PEOPLE.