Stop and stare

I hate myself. so so much

as of now
im just wasting my time feeding ed
with all the food videos.

yes i know what im doing

going to baking school
wanting to go to baking school

is that me or ed?

i want to go there as a motivation to recover.
but if it's ed, then she wouldn't want me there right?
cause that would really mean that i gotta eat

get rid of her once and for all

and there is this though stuck in my head
that because i'm going baking school

im safe

i dont have to study so fucking hard

what absolute rubbish

i have just wasted 2 weeks of my study opportunities

because im a failure
and im scared of challenges
facing up to stress.

returning to reality

ok i promise.
i will study tomorrow

finish my bloody chemistry notes

start on F&N again

i will do it

but honestly

if i don't bake for a living

i dont know what to do with my life

and also

i realised why i can't eat to food i make

i can only taste it at the most

because it's not meant for me.
it feels wrong for me to eat what i make you know?
very selfish and undeserving

not in the "ohhh i'm not worth it. everyone now tell me im wrong cause i'm just fishing for compliments here"

as in truthfully.

my own efforts seem too much for me.

like, nice stuff are only for others.

as in i can have it too
just not my own

i dont know
when i take a full portion of what i make, i feel guilty as hell

is that me or the ed?

but even when i recovered and ate what i made. as in a full portion
it felt wrong

maybe that will stay with me forever
'
on the bright side, i will be able to sell things :D

ok time to sleep.
another day tomorrow.

not looking forward

even now i just want to disappear into nothing.