Chances are

Long time since I've been here!

so quick update,
went into 46A again for 46 days, cleared my thoughts, beaten myself up over the stupid decisions I've made.

Now prelims are over and i really want to relax but Os are coming.

Oh yes. and I'm going to baking school next year. Sunrice.

now i'm addicted to:

1. Running Man
2. Kim Jong Kook. fucking hell.
3. TEEN TOP. (creds to my sister)

and unfortunately, 50 shades of Grey

This is crazy. there is a long story but in short is that I'm dead serious when I say that I'm fine with being single forever.

I have my reasons but I hate being drawn in into the fucking grasps of erotica that are stupid and
even i'm disgusted with myself. bloody hell, i'm totally going to lock up the books.

ATM, i'm freaking jealous of eloquent people who can specifically  express their thoughts in words.
but since i can't and I'm in no mood to organise things tumbling in my head, here is a very jumbled post.

I have always had this rule: All or nothing.

either do your best or don't do it at all. explains all the stress I've consistently buried myself in.

also the reason why i'm skipping combined humans and Bio paper

I also relate this rule to fangirling.

To tell you the truth, I hate being a fan of people who won't ever know i exist. So if i want to fan girl, i tell myself to freaking to it properly and try to 'gain their attention'

then you'd think about it. you'd be 1 out of a million fans. even if they know you, it's not like they can ever like you or whatever fantasy you have concocted.

and especially Korea's 'REALITY/VARIETY' shows that are scripted. see the irony there?

*running man*

you'd never truly know them anyway. the way they are presented to you is not who they really are. so what's the fucking point for being shallow and falling for a scripted act

the more i think about it, the more depressing it seems, so i become a fan that doesn't want to be a fan.

illogical.

my sister, especially, thinks I'm weird for having this notion. 'Just support them!'

yeahh, no.

I'm going to dye my hair red after Os. Ombre or full dye?
15th Oct is last paper if i skip bio but i'm unsure whether to skip bio or not

I sometimes waver between going to baking school or JC. i mean at JC, you'd get higher qualifications to fall back on in case baking fails for me.
If my choice fails me, then I'd have to go Poly and my self control/motivation is non existent.

then that's what my psych told me.

People with depression look too much into the past
People with anxiety look too much into the future
how do you know what's going to happen if it hasn't happened yet?

and my father told me

"Always think of the worst that can happen. not about the implications that that will bring. for example, getting an F9. does that mean you will fail O levels?
 Does that mean you will fail all your subjects?
does that mean you will fail in life?
No. It means you got an F9. And once you've accepted it, everything you do from that point on will be a bonus.
 like, doing homework, looking at notes. it's the mindset "It can't get any worse than F9." so if I try and get a B4, that's great. If i get am F9, then so be it because I've accepted it. "

then he told me it was a pessimistic way of thinking. but it works for me. fits into my all or nothing mindset

so i'm not going to let anyone else dissuade me. so what if i take the unconventional route?

all  want to do in life is to be happy. isn't that the point of living? to enjoy it. so why not start now? besides i'm still young :D

The worst that can happen is i flunk out of baking school. ok, then I'll either get a job in a bakery or start poly, life won't end.

and I'm confident I won't flunk out. do I sound egoistic? maybe.

another thing is, I haven't checked my phone for about 3 days now. anti social behaviour? I dont know

1. i really really despise desperate guys. just saying. i know i sound damn spiteful
2. it's hard to keep track of other people's problems.

THERE IVE FINALLY SAID IT. im so sorry guys thats why i don't reply sometimes. it's just that i don't know how to help you if you don't want to help yourself. I know i'm not being a good friend but i'm just really tired sometimes.
but when i reply, that means i've snapped out of my selfish mood. i'm really sorry. because there are only 6 people i'd be there for regardless, without exception. you guys know who you are. had h2h days ago and it was enlightening, partially.

anyway. i told sq once that i hated guys. it's true sometimes. i just like being alone. with FRIENDS. really hate this crazy teenager/hormonal period. IT'S SO IRRATIONAL.

yeah. really glad to be in an all girls school :D going to be myself from now on. this was one of the things i've cleared up in the hospital. not going to put in any special fucking efforts to impress any shit guy.

sorry im taking this out on the male population. ihaveproblems.

If you judge me by my looks/ lack thereof, you can just go fuck yourself. from now on the only reason i dress up is to feel good.

but contradictory to EVEYRTHING i've said, I would so put in effort for Jong Kook. crazy useless infatuation.

He's 36 you know, more than TWICE my age, 20 years older. but he's athletic and competitive and protective (of dongsaengs) and handsome (to me) and ripped and HIS SMILE IS AMAZING. the most alluring factor is that he's REALLY REALLY GOOD AT SPORTS and seriously competitive.
 i'm being shallow here now. ah well.

did i mention he's really good at sports? like, all sports. oh and he's tall and talks a lot.

wishful thinking. chances are i'm better off sleeping