Motivation

I'm this [ ] close to giving up

Miss Lim should not put me in the school team.
I don't appreciate what I have.

Lizzy told me that people would die/kill to be where I am.

and the stupidest and most horrible thing on my mind is:

I DONT want to compete

YES I KNOW IM BEING AN INSENSITIVE BASTARD.

who gets put on the SCHOOL TEAM. and dies?

It is just so stupid, and unreasonable and crazy and idiotic and

i should really go die because its a FREAKING HONOR. and here i am being an asshole.



I love running, but competition just completely breaks down my mentality.
and the stress is so palpable.

honestly, I don't even know where it comes from.

maybe cause. running is my only 'talent'. can you call it a talent?
nah.
as in yes but not for my case. it required motivation.


it's the first thing I've ever done to feel good.

all the, hey you can run! then the expectations come and BAM

major stress.

speculating here. i have no concrete reasoning.

It used to be like that for swimming. just simple training for the bronze, sliver, gold swimming thing. but i had to go all out and die from the stress. siao.


anyway the only thing I like about comp is that I can eat ALL THE CARBS/PROTEINS/CALORIES I WANT carbo load ftw.

without feeling guilty. all the food that I have been avoiding.

rice, fish, meat, egg, biscuits, chicken, tofu. EVERYTHING.
except the junk food. but as if i wanna. except ice cream. i love ice cream.

I'm a terrible person, I know.

thinking is totally screwed up.

kill me with a rock now.

but.

FAITH OVER FEAR.

i will defeat the stupid screaming monster.

and just run.
and love it