Sticks and stones

Internet is hard to get around here
and I want more cats

to cuddle with

anyway. it's personal but I;m putting this here cause
1. who reads it?!?!
2. need to record in a place where people dk
3. to tell psych when I get back

anyway.
had a mental(?) breakdown yesterday

basically, my siblings bombarded me with hate then I started screaming

"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT"

for 15 min+?

Really banshee screaming in a caravan
It was like an explosion of emotions

after that I just sat there and cried.
they told me the way I cried was like the whole family died.
like something absolutely terrible happened.

also. I wanted to go to their faces and just scream until my throat was bleeding (my siblings i mean)
then i really really wanted to kill them

the scenarios were very vivid

i wanted to take a knife and run it through their stomachs then mash them both up into paste and put the paste in a wooden slate/board/plate and give it to people to eat

then I would tell them it's raw tuna

I honestly don't know where the hell all that came from
but it was seriously just an explosion.

then my father. wait. everyone was very freaked by everything
so my father wanted to stop

but we were near the sea. so another scenario that ran through my mind

I would strip to my undergarments and run into the sea and swim as far as I can until no one can see me
then I'll freeze (it's cold here for summer), get hypothermia and die

another scenario was to ram my head into the floor until everything exploded

another was to scream everything revolving in my head then go sleep and wake up and pretend to forget so it'd be easier for anyone

but it was too much so i fell asleep. as i always do after a freak out session

then i woke up and everybody

wanted to know but didnt dare to ask
honestly. i dont know what happened either. it was a built up of so many things.

it felt good to scream though.