Everyday

I had a friend who ask me why I was so concerned about my junior becoming/being anorexic.

It's just that I don't want her to live a life constantly thinking about the littlest things that don't matter.
you know that phrase YOLO?

you only live once

I wish someone yelled that at me.

I mean. I don't know how anyone fully recovers.
cause every single freaking day, i'm here thinking about fats and carbs and water and weight and food

and just constantly psycho-ing myself to JUST FUCKING EAT.
you know until now even eating a freaking sweet is hard.

I'll be all. don't eat it think of the fats
it's just a few calories won't hurt much
dont eat it
It's just a sweet.
you're going to grow fat you know
but other people are eating it. so why shouldn't i?
fine. but eat lesser later

variations of that argument in my head.
that's why i always eat and read. i don't want to think

but it's too late. she's anorexic already.
i should have helped earlier. but no.

I don't want training to end actually
cause that would mean i have to constantly think about what i eat
and weight and cals.

I have to count calories. if i don't i just go off the edge.
like the other day, i was all

fuck you voice in my head. i'm going to eat what i want

then i ate HALF A TUB OF ICE CREAM AND 2 PACKS OF BISCUITS AND 3 ROLLS OF BREAD AND ABOUT 47 GRAPES. yeah i was counting

all in half an hour.

so 405x2 + 114x2 + 92x3 + 47/6 x24 = forget it.

and then the next day was almost the same.
 Pulut Hitam
and Hokkien Mee
and Chicken Rice
 and 3 packs of cereal (Honey stars, milo, kokoKrunch)
and the whole box of peppered table water minus 16 pieces(left overs)
and 2 squares of brownies
and 1 tiramisu
and 3 digestive biscuits

in the span of 2 hours.

so much for yolo.

but I was 48.4kg shocking right? i thought it would've been like, 59 after 2 days of binging.
my thighs aren't touching anymore but it is so close. really really close

and that was all i thought about today
for the whole day
tuition, SAJC carnival, otw home, during physio, dinner, now.

except in the library. books help a lot.

and my parents hid the fucking weighing scale again. hate
and i ate carbs for dinner. udon with carrots and tofu
after 2 months ish
and i'm lying on my bed being a fat pig and regretting.

TIME FOR PLAN Z
which is nothing.

she is an idiot. she should stop it. all of it.