The mountains we moved.

What does it mean to have an undistorted vision of yourself?
full acceptance, to see yourself as a beautiful individual, to shun criticism?


then would that not be sheer and utter arrogance?


won't that be a distortion as well?


i'm a fucking hypocrite.
and everyone knows it.


because of all the people to be asking for food, it's me.


but would i eat it?
maybe. maybe not.


i hate weekends. i hate fridays
because that means weekends.
which mean loss of self control


because i usually bake


i can;t not bake. it feels wrong.


and then
i keep eating


she would be there, telling me not to not to not to.
dont put that damn bloody food in your mouth.


i know i WILL regret it. no doubt.


but then to defy her, the other one comes out
she makes me eat. to oppose


i suppose that me fighting back
maybe. maybe not


but then i would eat. and eat and eat and eat and eat


non stop.
endlessly.
regardless of how much water i drink and fruits i eat


i don't count the calories. not consciously.
but after that i remember everything


and i have to count.
non stop. no control. at all
every week.
i can't


then she comes back and that's what the whole week is for.
to prepare for the weekend binging.


to compensate.


well. binging is objective.
their view is 5000 kcals. around there


but mine is 2000. and above


i cannot stand it.


today:

BREAKFAST.
2 servings of special k  (220)
1 Meiji low-fat strawberry milk  (138)
1 packet Meiji biscuit  (114)


Total: 472
LUNCH
2 Inari  (150)
2 plates of tuna maki. 7 pieces  (????)
1 chawanmushi  (120)
half a plate of teriyaki chicken rice   (????)
3 pieces of teriyaki chicken   (????)
1 cup of green tea  (???)


Total: 270 + presumably 500
so 770


AFTER THAT. IN THE FUCKING SPAN OF 45 MIN.
1 apple  (62)
2 servings of B&J's cookie dough ice cream  (540)
1 ice cream wafer cone  (50)
1 Japanese ice cream thing  (90)
1 cup of Special K  (110)
1 cup of Fruit Loops  (110)
1 cup of Honey cereal  (154)
1 cup of chocolate chips FOR THE BROWNIES  (??????????)
a hell lot of brownies  (??????????)
2 strawberry& cream biscuits (145)
1 oreo  (70)
1 pack of Pear juice  (115)
1 Andes mint chocolate  (25)


Total: 1471 + presumably 600. seriously. i'm not exaggerating.
so 2071


DINNER
1 cube if watermelon  (?)
1 cube of papaya  (?)


lets say 20.


3063 calories. fucking hell.

words can;t express any fucking thing i'm feeling right now


in all honesty. i feel like just jumping off the building.


Then i weighed myself.
46.9kg
doesn't make sense right?
It isn't.


it's going to jump back tomorrow im sure of it.


3000 calories. who does that.

I remember her picture: somber, willowy, standing on a bathroom scale, her shoulder blades jutting out like wings. I looked at her and felt my whole being contract into a single strange of longing. I wanted that: anorexia.

— Jennifer Egan (Page 46)

Actually, a better metaphor for anorexia, for me, would be the perfect blend of angelic and demonic- the faerie. Ethereal, delicate, able to fly. Also dangerously seductive, beckoning us into worlds unknown.

— Francesca Lia Block (Page 196)

• i don't want to repeat everything again
  
  
  when i rather die skinny than live

  
  

  when i freaked the hell out when i couldn't see my rib bones
  
  
  when my thighs would not touch even when i sat down.
  
  
  when i couldn't sit on hard surfaces cause it hurt too much
  
  
  when i lied every second of the day
  
  
  when i dreamt crazy dreams
  
  
  when i could not write, because my hand shook so much. that's why my letters were spaced far apart
  
  
  when i forgot how to spell simple words.
  
  
  when i only 

  remembered maths when i was adding calories
  
  
  when my hair could not stop falling out
  
  
  when i felt like fainting after running 
  
  
  when the lights flashed when i stood up
  
  
  when the world turned black suddenly
  
  
  when i couldn't stay awake long enough.
  
  
  when i forgot how to be happy
  
  
  how to eat openly
  
  
  how to socialize
  
  
  when i forgot who God was
  
  
  when i ABSOLUTELY hated food.
  
  
  when exercise was a necessity. actually, it kind of is now
  
  
  when the guilt ate me alive. worse than now
  
  
  when i loved to be hungry
  
  
  when i suspected everyone for betraying me or trying to make me fat
  
  
  and when i was cold. all the time. even in the sun.
  
  
  when i hated the whole world.
  
  
  
  
  absolute hell. i can't go back there
  
  
  or fall to the other end of the spectrum. 
  
  
  i'm going to fight her to the end
  or die trying.

  
  

  but everyone should seriously fuck off

  
  

  sorry im being irrational now. just finish counting calories. hatehatehatehatehatehatehate.

  
  

  and stop reading my blog i told you already

  i know you are concerned but seriously. i hate to go see the psychiatrist.

  thank you for being there for me and all that

  but i want to be left alone.

  things will be fine.

  i just need to figure this out alone

  so stop it. leave everything alone.

  
  

  hypocritical again.

  
  

  it's fucking annoying

  if i go back in there.

  
  

  i think i'd cry myself into oblivion.
  

  
  

  and if i have to take resource again

  no bloody fucking way

  
  

  no way forever.

  im tired ok

  so stop it.

  stop bothering me

  even if i lose weight

  it wont be like last time

  i wont lose 3 kg a week

  
  

  im perfectly content with losing .5kg a week

  or even just .1 or .2

  
  

  it wont be crazy

  and im not going to be skin and bones

  i wont go below 45

  
  

  i promise

  really. really