No matter what

Sometimes. i hate myself. for wanting to starve while others don't want to.

I'm reading this tumblr blog. warning people against starting the vicious cycle.
here

As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won’t understand either. Their comments will hurt, you’ll want to scream when they ask why you don’t just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too…but then, you’ve been there. 

You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it’s too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die…& fighting it is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You’ll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you’ll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you’ll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. 

Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you’ll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder.

After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you’d die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you’ve eaten right for months & months your body still isn’t the same. 

You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won’t. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you’ll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You’ll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you’ll lose your job. 

Something will happen to take away your control & you’ll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You’ll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you’ll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. 

I’m not talking about the physical pain. That’s the only pain I described, because it’s the only part that’s describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It’s unimaginable. You’ll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation…

She's freaking eloquent. How to be Anorexic 

Sometimes. I feel.. unworthy. as though i'm milking this shit for all it's worth

worse of all. i think other people think the same

this bitch thinks she is anorexic? please. some people have it for months or years before they call them selves anorexic. this idiot here dieted for all of 2 weeks before getting caught. such an attention seeker.

of course they do. if i feel this way. why wouldn't they?

it was only 2 weeks. and the lowest i went to was 42.3kg

i think. see can't even remember.

i couldn't even touch the 30 range

When i was in the hospital,  sometimes, i felt as though everyone hated me or something.
compared to them, nothing ever happened to me. my life is amazing. almost perfect

non-dysfunctional family, never been bullied, acceptable grades and my weight was considered low-ish but ok for my height.

I still don't understand. i don't think anyone does.

why did i start this crap?

sometimes, she would target me non stop.

telling me all the ways we could have continued

1. not TO FREAKING CRY. after eating a SINGLE RED BEAN BUN

2. tied up all my hair so my parents would not have seen them sticking to my face which was apparently, very thin then.

3. go at a slower pace.

4. flushed the toilet

5. went out more

6. cleared my history

But if I had the choice. but no. it's impossible.

because i could never stop thinking about food.

day in day out. every single thing that went into my stomach.

every calorie.

she still comes back.

if i eat healthy things, she doesn't mind. apples, carrots, ice.

haha funny. ice is not healthy. just helps burn 3 cals per cube.

crazy.

but if it was my fear foods. 

like seaweed chicken

which i ate one at natalie's house

at 9.30pm

i can't stop thinking about it.

even until now. 11.45pm

but it's not as bad as last time.
the guilt is lesser. wayyyyyy lesser. trust me.

but i can still taste it.

regret it.

try to press my stomach down.

but no exercise.

sometimes, i don't like eating with other people other than my family.

it's stressful

they can't stop commenting

i know they care

but all the "why do you eat so little"

"so skinny already"

"eat more!"

"good, it makes me happy to see you eat" -> grandparents

can't stand it sometimes.

I really want to eat. i really REALLY REALLY do.

but i know if i eat anymore. i'd die from the guilt later.

most of the times.

it sounds as though i'm being a failure

1. not killing Ed completely
2. for not being stronger. <- that's ed talking

come to think of it.

that's why i'm good at mental math. if i wanna try

adding and dividing in my head is really easy.

the smaller the numbers the better. screwed up isn't it?

wow. i;m revealing a lot on the internet.

ah heck. i trust you guys. anyway it's not the first time you're reading my illogical rants.

at least the people who i know are reading it...

at this point, i don;t really care if anyone's impression on me changes. prolly cause

i don't know, actually.

because i'm tired of caring so much?

if you want to be my friend, all the better to know both sides of me (:

plus, i'm already damn freaking grateful for the friends and family i have. 

with them, it becomes easier to forget.

I think my mummy has it the worst.

i complain to her about the food i eat all the time.

can't think of anyone else to talk to

not that i don't trust them

it's just not as secure

she's been asking me to see the psychologists again

no way in hell

i hate the offices, the talks, the everything.

and the cost. $72 FOR AN HOUR.

waste of money.

and they try to tell me things that she/i don't wanna hear

other than

"you've grown taller"
"you've lost weight"
"I think you're doing fine"
"bye"

hai. i already wasted to much money.

even my brother knows.

like this month, my parents were mini-quarreling over the household bill for the month

then my father asked "where did most of the money go?"

"You" my brother said straight away, looking at me.

it's not!
i've not seen people for at least 2 months

and i still have a lot of medication. which is locked in the safe.

and. i use my own money to buy Fullbar products.

want to eat.

but don't want to eat.

this has to stop.

seriously.

just shut her voice out.

im trying to.

it doesn't always work.

btw, i'm not a schizo. she is Ed. 

I mean, i can't refer to her as Ed right. that's a guy's name

but in her defense, she's not that mean now.

at least i'm allowed me 1200 - 1500 kcals before the guilt consumes me.

she only gave me 80 last time.