Tilting

Jogged from school to BP to St Nicks today. it was tiring but quite cool


and then right. today was a crazy day. rant:


so there was freaking graded lit today
and obviously I didn't study.
cause imma fat pig


and sick of R+J


so when I'm stress, I binge. seriously.
like, I can't stop.
but luckily we were in class, food was limited


so I basically ate everyone's food. and mine
but I could have went on. it's that kind of crazy


so in half an hour, i freaking ate 1000 calories+++ too depressing to count
plus breakfast


anyway, guilt for ten years and I was complaining to my mummy
and maths teacher caught me using my phone
so she took it away


and i just totally and completely lost it.


I seriously just started crying.
in the middle of class...!
for about 15min


silent crying. not bad already can.


then i think Cleo and XinYi were very freaked


BUT. of course I wasn't crying over the phone


are you mad. i'm actually quite happy it's taken away.
i just don't like smsing sometimes = no mood to reply = mean to people


some times i would lose it on purpose.
it's difficult
to want to talk to someone
but at the same time, not want to


many reasons really. 1. is cause its a waste of time. for everyone.


anyway, i broke down because 


i ate a 1000 calories.


NO CONTROL I FUCKING SWEAR.


sorry for the cursing
but seriously wtf
can kill myself. hate to lose control.


i really really really  REALLY. hate it.


makes everything feel useless


so i was so ready to just go under my chair and cry forever


just like last time


when i would crawl under my bed and stay there for 3 hours+ crying.
then i'd fall alsleep
and wake up
think about food and stuff and how they wont let me die
and cry again
and go back to sleep


that was what i did at home after the hospital days
my mum wasted a lot of time just trying to coax me out to eat


she found my crying in the shower once
then she had to drag me out after half an hour.


then i remember slowly accepting food again.


that's around the time i got involved in a relationship.
that's my bloody fucking weakness. 


never ever again. too complicated, too bothersome, too pressurizing.




i think
i might be going back to those days
obsession with weight food calories


yeah


now, on average, i eat 1200 kcals a day
on days when i'm happy with myself, it's 1500-1800


when i hit 2000 i'd go run like mad the next day
or cut down to 1000


for the past 3 weeks.


and i was 46.9 on wed. after 2.4
i was really happy - good mood


so for the next 2 days i rewarded myself


with ice cream <3
and yam bao


now i;m a bloody 47.4


who gains .5kg in 2 days?
ME.


you see
i can control the idiotic thoughts sometimes.
but not always.


when i eat something, i;m thinking about all the calories


i HAVE to watch Food network asia when I'm eating just to reassure fucking Ed that there are fatter foods out there


i drink water like i;m dying to not feel hungry


it takes me an hour to decide whether i should snack or not


what kind of bloody life is this


i just want to eat normally
and properly
without all the guilt and pressure


but i can't
i really can't


truthfully, when my crazy thoughts aren't trying to get control


the people i'm seriously jealous of
are those who can eat what they want
whenever they want
and like it


im so freaking jealous of people who are comfortable with what they eat


i wish i could do that too. one day


i would give anything. ANYTHING. to experience that again


without bloody nagging guilt. every second.
except when im reading.


so i read and eat. always.
or its the television.


i can't stand sitting with my family at dinner.
cause having a book is rude
and i don't want to let them down
but cant


i cant eat without thinking about stuff
 sometimes i can snack under these circumstances


but after that, its guilt.


how did i eat like before?


i can't even remember.
i wish i could
but i can't


i forgot how some food taste like.
bacon is an example
mayonnaise as well
lasagna
pastries.
peanut butter
luncheon meat
donut
pork/chicken floss
cream


honestly. im serious. i can remember the texture. for some. but not the taste.


i wish to go back to when i was sec1. i really really wish i could