fucking failure

celebrated my bday with family yesterday
went to korean restaurant.

ate

a WHOLE box of tofu plus some more later
3 plates of mash potatoes
2 plates of beancurd skin
1 1/2 plate of kimchi
1/2 plate of onion
2 plates of chilli
1 WHOLE FUCKING BOWL OF BIBIMBAP
A WHOLE FUCKING BOWL OF RICE
1 chicken thigh
1 spoon of glutinous rice
a lot of fatty grilled meat. dont even want to think about it
some veggie leaves
2 slices of strawberry shortcake with butter cream

weighed myself last night 46.4
then this morning is 46.2

i can die. really
1 kg in a week.
really?
really. who does that

omg such a fucking useless failure this is so stupid.

im going for 900cals a day for this week
going to fucking bring my fucking weight down to 44 whether anyone likes it or not.

so fuck off. dont tell me you are going to be sad and cry and shit.
im crying now because of the fucking cake i ate yesterday
so screw the world. all of you shut up and leave me the fuck alone.
i fucking swear.
im serious.
you can try to text me all you want im not fucking replying.
only to some people because im a bloody hypocrite.

please please please. no cake for my birthday. please.

dont even celebrate or get anything at all
the only material things i truly want now is a weighing scale and a scalpel.
i would kill for a sharp scalpel.
please. a hug will be fine. dont waste your money

i hate birthdays.
false hopes and useless wishes.
and the obligation to fucking eat.
no.

i cant believe it. 1 kg in a week.


it takes one to know one

lets get this straight.

i dont care what the fuck other people think

she's obsessive
she's crazy
she's selfish
she's too skinny
she's too sensitive.

fine. think what you want. i honestly dont give a fuck

thats now how my mind works.
i only care what i think.
and what i feel.

even if i look skinny. its all a lie
i feel fat
so fucking disgustingly fat
i dont even look skinny to myself.


so dont try to act as though you understand.
you never will and should NEVER want to understand
you never ever will

unless you become one.
its a dark world.
where we turn to food for control.

sometimes i dont even understand it myself

i know im not alone. there are so many people.
who are also going through this shit.
so just dont care about anything
dont drag yourself into areas that you can't comprehend

you will never want food as much as we do

hypocritical isn't it?

welcome to the life of an anorexic.