&daffodils

Does it seem weird that I refer to eating disorders as Ana and Mia?
It seems.. natural.
they kinda taught us that EDs were kind of.. separate beings


so in order to combat them, you're not supposed to see them as yourself
cause they are the 'enemy'.


in other words, they are the voices in your head out to kill you.


in a way, it became as though it wasn't your fault if that you fell into this cycle,
you'd blame it on Ana.


It takes a while getting used to.
it seems so.. irresponsible and stupid


distinguishing yourself from a voice.
and blaming 'others'
even now, I sometimes feel guilty
as though i'm trying to avoid responsibility for bringing this on myself.


to a certain extent, it's true


i told them that.
they said it was Ana talking, trying to gain control
and I wasn't fighting hard enough.


Ana didn't like that.
she told me they were all just trying to get me fat
and make me forget her.


so i didn't want to recover.
but after a while, I finally acknowledged her existence.


as in not
"I have Anorexia"


but more of
"Anorexia is trying to kill me. Why am I just letting her do that?"


then i learnt to distinguish her thoughts and mine.
her appalling habits and my 'normal' ones


but i don't know what normal is anymore.
it's like a constant war in my head.


i know she's there.
she knows i know she's there
but sometimes i just lose control


so basically, all the lines are blurred again.
i try. really, i do.
so does she.


so we compromise.

it's confusing, i'm so sorry but that is what goes on in my head.

This.
This is what goes through my mind every time I lose control
I think I'm actually fighting back, but I'm not.
the power is transferred.
from Ana to Mia.