Choke on your misery

Fighting a losing battle.
was talking to somebody on fb yest.

after that i really really wanted to fight and kill the thing inside.
i stayed awake for an hour. thinking of ways to combat it

convincing myself to defy ed.
to stop fucking counting everything.
to eat during recess.
push my limit up to 1500 min.

i lasted till breakfast.
because when i woke up this morning, the resolve that deprived me of sleep was gone.

but i had prepped myself.
its complicated.

you know that kind of preparation
"even if you don't remember this the next time, DONT TELL ANYONE. you will regret it."

so i told myself to just eat
fuck calories. they aren't important.

but i couldn't stop counting.
so i just ate

breakfast, the usual
plus biscuits.
and yam bao for recess.

633.

i spent the last half hour of pe and 15 minutes into recess contemplating between ice cream, yogurt and yam bao.

naturally, i wanted yogurt. lowest calories
but i convinced myself to get the freaking bao. 161 calories

and after that i was so bloody guilty.

wtfuck is fucking wrong with me.

after that i totally lost control.

when i got home.
i freaked out.
not full force. i couldnt stop counting. 633633633. 367 for lunch and dinner.

IMPOSSIBLE.
not with my family around i mean

i didn't want to eat lunch.
very nearly broke down but i didnt want to scare my grandfather
so i ate ramen noodles, instead of porridge.

why the hell man. ramen had obviously higher cals. 260

and 2 slices of steamed chicken
and 1 fried egg

omfg.

then 2 slices of milk bread
and a sesame bun

it was the.
you already screwed up you fucking useless bitch. might as well stuff your face now.

either way, plus my pathetic dinner of 3 leaves of cabbage, 1 cube of carrot and a spoon of fried bean sprouts

i think im 1300-1400 today

confession #3. i ate 900+ yest.

can.
i.
die.

i fought ana the whole day. im so tired.
why. everytime. i give in. cant stop

sometimes, it seems like its getting worse.

which fucking useless bitch the fucking hell spends 45 min contemplating 161 calories

oh right. me


i am so so so so very sorry.
i will try again
but
its hard. so very hard

and tiring.

but so few people understand. thank you for talking to me yesterday though.
i will try again. not tomorrow. maybe tomorrow.
i dont know.

seriously dont want to go back to that kind of hell.
but hey, im already half way there.

this is so screwed up.

control, my dear.
patience and control always pay off.