Made to love

Special K 220
Strawberry milk 100
Meiji Biscuits 110

Strawberry cheesecake gelato. a huge one  ?
2 Inari  ?
3 multi grain buns  ?
1 slice of gardenia white bread  ?
1/2 pack of Strawberry Pocky  ?
1 combo's pizza roll thingy  7

tada. ok first off. this is not a rant

I'm just kinda proud of myself(:
for not counting obsessively or Googling calories

I kinda planned to stop today after the inari. cause i was kinda full

then i almost lost control at home. but something made me stop to go bathe.

this is THE FIRST TIME. after an almost-binge

that i didn't purge, cut or get overwhelmed by a choking wave of guilt. and failure.

sure there were thoughts. aren't there always?

but i didn't do anything.

and for once. I didn't look fat.
I looked normal. acceptable.
honestly

not perfect or pretty or skinny. no

i looked acceptable. totally completely fine.

first time in 2 years.

even though i'm as bloated as hell. even though i haven't ran in 3 days

i'm fine.

and i bathed in hot water. for the first time in 3 months.

i know, its weird but cold water was a form of punishment. for me at least.

can't believe it.

don't get your hopes up though. it will come back when i touch the weighing scale again

44.5 the last time i weighed

who knows what the hell i am now

i honestly dont fucking care. not yet.

in fact, i feel like chucking the whole damn thing away.
you can't weigh beauty or perfection.

cause as of now, i'm content

because, today

even if its just for 1 short sunny day,

I won :D