disgusting

im up 1035cals today

haven't exercised for a week

and i feel so so fucking fat

i know im not supposed to
but can't help it.

why is eating so hard

dont tell me to just not think
it does not work that way

if it does, then no one would be anorexic.
in fact

if you can NOT THINK when you eat

you'd be bulimic.

its like

tell yourself to consciously controlling your breathing

after a while, you'd go back to breathing normally.

but that is our problem

we forgotten how to go back to the normal.
of course i can learn

but do i want to?

i don't know.
 i want to not live like this. do you think its very enjoyable thinking about your body and food every second of the day?

but then at the same time
i want to lose weight
the idea of gaining is starting to scare the hell out of me.

dont mind maintaining at 44.5 or below.
but it is so repulsive to go back to 48

i know its wrong
and im hurting people

you think i dont know that?

but i'd rather be thin
anything. to be able to feel skinny

hypocritically enough


i would also give anything to feel normal again.