Open your eyes

hello. i haven't been on here for a long time
actually. it feels weird to blog so much. because i dont know who the hell is reading this
and if i scream for help on here, it will never happen irl. because
it would only hurt people

my mummy knows though. i can see it in her eyes. she damn fucking sad

i hate myself for that i know i shouldnt be doing this.
they have hid the weighing scale. i want to tear my skin off.

I NEED TO EAT MORE.
but i can't bring myself to

i'm starting to hate cooking. because i know i cant eat the food
i want to
but i cant
i really really cant
im starting to dislike baking also THIS IS BAD,

because every time i bake its just.

fatsfatsfatsfats. then i cant eat it.
i really really want to.
but i cant
just thinking of it makes me so full.

i cant believe im admitting this. its taken so long for me to finally admit it.
im baking for myself

disordered thinking. so disordered.
when i see people on the street
im judging them

i feel so sick and disgusted so self centered.
so conflicting
its like 2 people in my head

im getting headaches recently. mild ones. but they're building up
it starting to spin also. everything is blurred. especially all the lines i shouldnt have crossed.

i hate my mind. i hate my world.
so i seek refuge on tumblr
so much more reassuring
so much worse.
but i dont know.

how can be worthy to help others when im such a hypocritical bitch.

would you care to know more?
you might
but when you ask me about it
talk about it
i  will run away. i dont deal well.
i cant verbally admit that i want help

its so confusing. everything is so fucked up
every morning i hate to wake up
its too much.

but hey. at least im eating ok.
1000 a day.