Shout her lovely name

hello; i've been watching documentaries.
weight-related stuff. esp supersize vs superskinny

not pro ana of course. im not that stupid.
anyway. its interesting. realised that i retained a lot of my old habits:

eating with a teaspoon
not trusting people with the preparation of my food
baking high caloric stuff and not eating it
weighing my food
chewing a lot
taking really small bites
eating super slowly
constantly counting
getting addicted to watching people eat.

yeah. i know the last one is freaky. there's a logic behind that though
but it is so so selfish

also. i can feel my hipbones. but i cant see them
and i can finally feel my shoulder blades
oh and. there's a slightly wider gap between my thighs (:

but my stomach is not flat yet. still really really flabby and fat
and ribcage. not obvious.

i know. its disgusting
but i like to see the bones
it is so wrong. but i do.
im sorry its crazy

been feeling weak lately. all i want to do is sleep
the last time i weighed, i'm still at 43kg.

today i didn't eat lunch. as in not my usual time

i was honestly this close () to collapsing. and really cranky as well
the whole world kept swaying

then i asked my mum for lunch (we were out at vivo)
so we ate at some jap restaurant
then i ate a vanilla gelato

didn't regret it, it tasted really nice

but i dont want to continue this way

back to my routine tmr.

i know its wrong to keep eating processed food
its not as healthy as home cooked ones
but. they have caloric values. its more satisfying.

but at the same time. im scared to drop below 42.3 my admission weight
i think that's why i keep bouncing back up


and. i also need reassuring,
how many calories does a 5'5, 94.7lbs 16 year old girl need a day to lose 0.5kg a week?
1040.

how many calories is the healthy for teenagers?
2000 - 2500

im at 1025 already. because if the ice cream
who knows. i think its time to skip dinner.

ate 857 yesterday

ok bye. tuition time.
dont freak out over the crazy rant guys.