not alive

I can't sleep. i;m tired but i can't sleep

and i realised something major yesterday
i like blood
as in really.
more than fire

is that crazy?
maybe.but i honestly do

sometimes. i think that i think too much. too much of everything.
then i get so tired. i just lose control. stop fighting stop everything really
i'm tired now. mentally, physically, spiritually
most of the days i cant bear to look in the mirror. or think of ways to do everything
just want to lie in bed and forget about the world. that would be amazing.

what would it be like to sleep forever? what would you attempt if you know you could not fail
easy

sometimes im scared to die.
i dont know how hell would be like.
seriously, i get freaked out about being burned for eternity

sometimes i dont give a damn anymore

i really dont have a reason to be doing this you know
of all the best people in the world,  bring this upon my family
what did they do to deserve this?

they dont have to deal with this. they dont have to deal with me
but they do
but its all my fault
but they suffer for it. my family and friends.

its not fair. not reasonable.
nothing ever triggered me to start.
well the second time maybe.

but the first cut, the first diet
it was my own motivation or whatever you're gonna call it
nothingnothingnothing

why did it even

the second time around.
it was also my fault for  giving in\
for being too easy
for everything

i need to sleep
my thoughts are killing me

everyone else in the world has it so much worse
self centered. who does this.
terrible horrible

so damn fucking repulsive

the thoughts keep spinning in my head
overandoverandover

its the same. same thoughts when im purging i cant take it.
i need a cleaver to carve those thoughts out
and burn them
so sanitize them first before burning
then id fall asleep forever and always
for eternity

never dating again in my life.
going to marry a cat